The Motor City Malcontent

Study: Garbage disposal healthier than average American

2011-03-03T09:20:00.000-05:00

By: Luke Sokolewicz
Detroit, Michigan

A recent study done by the American Society of Nutrition reveals that Americans receive a majority of their calories from bacon, eggs, sausage, cheese, muffins, doughnuts, pizza, burgers, lasagna, chicken fingers, ice cream, Ho Hos, McDonalds, Wendy’s, Checkers, Burger King, Taco Bell, KFC, Coke, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper, Sierra Mist, beer, wine, Capri Sun, Doritos, Fritos, Tostitos, and other crap that Americans voluntarily ingest into their bodies. In contrast, garbage disposals maintain a balanced and healthy diet made up of lettuce, apple cores, apple peels, potato peels, numerous insects and more than eight glasses of water per day.

“You see, when an average American actually buys a vegetable, it’s usually something like a potato. They’ll peel it right into the garbage disposal, which gets all the nutrition. And the overweight American gets the greasy fries,” said Dr. Fuller, a nutritionist.

Based on the analysis, the same trend occurs with fruit consumption. Americans peel away the healthiest part of the apple, which is the skin and dump it into the garbage disposal. Then they use the apples to make pie, which is devoid of any nutritional value.

The following 2010 statistics help to illustrate the nutritional divide.

Percentage of raw vegetables and fruits in diet:
Americans: 2% (celery from Buffalo Wild Wings)
Garbage disposals: 78%

Average Waistline:
American Man: 39 inches
American Woman: 37 inches
Garbage disposal: 1.75 inches

Life Expectancy:
Americans: 78.14 years
Garbage disposals: 213 years

Eating a Fourth Meal at Taco Bell
Americans: Yes
Garbage disposal: No

Not only do garbage disposals consume healthier foods, they tend to avoid pathetic excuses for food like Toaster Strudels, Bagel Bites and Chocolate Tower Truffle Cakes from The Cheesecake Factory. Researchers of the study speculate that it’s because Americans are very careful not to let processed, fatty foods go to waste.

“I wouldn't dare throw away even a crumble of buttery garlic bread. But half a carrot? Probably,” said Josh Donahue, an overweight man chewing on a Starburst Twisler.

“Theesh…arr…shhoo…goood,” he added.

As the following graph projects, the more that Americans indulge in their disgusting, gluttonous habits, the healthier garbage disposals will become.

Researchers of the study predict that by 2080, heart disease will be a thing of the past for garbage disposals thanks to Americans, which will all have diabetes and 2 to 3 forms of cardiovascular disease.

Despite the profound findings of the study, the medical community remains skeptical. Many doctors and scientists are just not convinced that a garbage disposal, consuming vast amounts of inedible and toxic substances can possibly be healthier than a human being, even if it’s an American.

“Here’s the bottom line. Both garbage disposals and Americans eat poisonous, toxic substances. Garbage disposals drink Drano. Americans drink Venti White Chocolate Mochas from Starbucks. But Americans consume these poisons on a daily basis. Plus, garbage disposals have a much better immune system by keeping a plant-based diet, full of raw fruits and vegetables. You’d be surprised how many antioxidants are in just a few rotten blueberries,” said Don Hubert, one of the researchers.

The study has gained thousands of supporters across the nation. It’s even sparked numerous PSA campaigns, including one done by the Ad Council encouraging Americans to “learn from your garbage disposal.” And with heart disease and obesity on the rise, the campaign couldn’t come at a better time. But the question still remains, “Will the study finally wake Americans up?”

“Since I'm a garbage disposal, I’m in the kitchen all the time and I can clearly see that there is no hope. But hey, whatever. I’ll eat the good stuff. Let them eat the garbage,” said a local garbage disposal.

Federal agents find 710 pounds of Cheetos, microwave burritos in Swartz Creek pot raid

2011-02-14T10:14:00.000-05:00

By: Bonnie Brooke
Flint, Michigan

The Flint Police Department was called into an investigation in which federal agents found 710 pounds of marijuana in a self-storage unit in Swartz Creek on Wednesday.

Police detectives believe the federal seizure could be tied into a rash of thefts at an area Sam’s Club after agents also discovered 710 pounds of Cheetos and microwave burritos inside the unit.

“We believe this is an inside job,” said Flint Police Department Det. Chester Cheatham. “It’s not as if the average customer could walk out of the store with a 24-pack of microwave burritos, let alone cases of them.”

Federal agents also found a 26-pound bale of pot inside the prime suspect’s home, as well as a case of 10-pound boxes of brownie mix.

The discovery of the munchies stash leave police detectives and federal agents to believe that more than one suspect, the lessee of the storage unit who is awaiting arraignment, is involved and did not intend to sell the marijuana.

“The junk food, along with the 26 boxes of incense and over 500 Pink Floyd and Grateful Dead CDs that were found, leave us to believe that several, if not dozens, are involved,” Cheatham said. “After all, the fed’s prime suspect weighs only 165 pounds, and if the perps were selling the dope, they wouldn’t be working at Sam’s Club and could certainly afford their bad eating habits,” Cheatham said.

Sam’s Club management is cooperating with law enforcement officials, but has called off a mandatory drug screening of all its employees.

“It’s not that I don’t want to comment; I just don’t have time,” said Tommy Marin, manager of the Flint Sam’s Club. “I had half of my staff quit this morning after I told them I’d be sending them out for drug tests.”

iPhone 4G and Droid X equally effective in ignoring friends and family

2011-01-19T09:07:00.000-05:00

By: Luke Sokolewicz
Detroit, Michigan

After months of investigative research, Consumer Reports, Mashable.com, Wired.com, and Richard from IT have determined that the iPhone 4G and Droid X have equal capability to help users completely disregard the very existence of any friend or family member.

During the study, experts carefully took into account both the Smartphones’ features, which included processing speed, camera, display, apps, browsing speed, operating system and the ability to look cool on a conference table during a meeting. After thorough analysis, each phone excelled in four key areas.

iPhone 4

Amazing Retna Display
The iPhone 4 gives you the highest resolution display ever built into a phone, which makes it easier to ignore the face of your beautiful, little daughter.

Longer Battery Life
A longer battery life is assurance that you’ll spend more time updating your Facebook status and less time developing real social skills that could lead to a healthy friendship with a real human being.

Running Apps
Unlike the Droid X, the iPhone 4 can run apps and make phone calls at the same time. That way you can focus on playing Angry Birds or Doodle Jump while tuning out the person that gave birth to you.

Facetime
Facetime gives you the ability to talk face-to-face with that one dude you know that also has an iPhone 4. And even though he’s not really your friend, and he’ll probably be taking dump while you’re talking, it doesn’t matter because Facetime is so cool that it was totally worth missing your child’s first steps.

Droid X

Bigger Screen

A bigger screen gives you a better experience when you’re walking down the hallway while checking your email instead of looking up to smile at a coworker.

Speech Text
The Droid X gives you the option to input text through speech allowing you to exchange more words with your phone than with your friends.

Faster Browsing Speed
A faster browsing speed means you won’t have a moment to stop and realize that life is literally passing you by.

Dual LED Flash with Image Stabilization
It’ll take hours to figure out exactly what this feature even means and it’ll probably be on a Saturday, the one free day you could have spent with your wife.

But despite all the in-depth research, many iPhone 4 aficionados are adamant that their mobile device is more superior when it comes to their personal, easy-to-ignore experience.

“Last week I discoverd that I could use my iPhone 4 as a Wi-Fi hotspot for my iPad. And after, I spent the whole day figuring out how to set it up. Then I went to the park by myself, hooked it up and went to Groupon.com! If I had a Droid X, I wouldn’t be nearly as distracted and I’d probably still have a wife that loved me,” said Adam Caffey, an Apple lover since 1990.

And of course, users of the Droid X have their biases as well.

“So what if the iPhone 4 has a front facing camera? The Droid X has a better camera. Period. Plus, the Droid is cheaper, it’s got a bigger screen, and I’ve never had any coverage problems. To think that some iPhone 4 user with poor coverage is at a restaurant actually talking to his friends while waiting for his food instead of looking down to watch Youtube. It makes me sick,” said John Gavins, a Droid X user since 2009.

The debate has caused so much stir in the media that some conservative family advocates are saying that ignoring your family with these phones might actually be a bad thing. Familyfirst.org has even developed an app for both phones that shocks the users when they exceed certain megabytes in their data usage. Many Smartphone users have found the app quite useful to stay disciplined whereas others find it a bit intrusive.

“Those stupid right-wing conservatives need to get a life,” said Kimberly Haven, camped out alone in front of the Apple Store, saving her spot for the release of the Verizon iPhone.

“Only a few more weeks!” said Haven.

WikiLeaks posts Redford grandmother's secret Thanksgiving yam recipe

2010-12-01T09:07:00.000-05:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Redford, Michigan

Representatives of the Ferrell family expressed their outrage at the non-profit media outlet WikiLeaks this afternoon after learning that the matriarch's closely-guarded sweet potato recipe was recently posted on their website.

Their indignation joined a chorus of Redford denizens and international diplomats upset over WikiLeaks’ recent release of a wide-variety of classified materials.

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was quick to ratchet up condemnation of the website.

“Be it sensitive diplomatic communications or Mildred Ferrell’s scrumptious maple and honey glazed holiday yams, operational confidentiality is essential to protecting the interests of the United States at home and abroad.”

The recipe, which calls for yams to be sauteed prior to baking in a reduction of butter, maple syrup, caramelized sugar and honey is considered a breakthrough in the realm of festive tuber preparation. Analysts fear this could advance yam baking efforts in rogue states by decades.

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was quick to defend the release of the recipe, stating that everyone deserves the chance to enjoy her yams and that sharing the recipe with the rest of the world carries only a “minimal risk of harm” to U.S. forces and diplomatic personnel.

WikiLeaks had hoped to post the recipe ahead of the recent Thanksgiving holiday, but delayed the distribution in order to include candid family text messages obtained following Mildred’s annual Thanksgiving meal. Despite the always glowing reviews of her famous yams, leaked transcripts indicated several family members expressed disappointment in several of Mildred’s other dishes.

According to one unnamed source, Ferrell’s green bean casserole was “feckless” and “vein,” while another guest described her traditional stuffing as “risk averse and rarely creative.”

Nerdy governor-elect bullied at recent transition meeting

2010-11-10T09:12:00.000-05:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Lansing, Michigan

Legislative jocks at the State Capitol are reportedly unimpressed with Rick Snyder's nearly twenty point margin of victory in the recent Michigan Gubernatorial Election.

As a result, the self-described 'nerd' and governor-elect of Michigan was accosted by a group of cool and popular state legislators ahead of a transitional meeting on Tuesday with outgoing governor Jennifer Granholm.

According to eyewitness accounts, a group of four House and Senate democrats lead by Speaker of the House Andy Dillon, intercepted the governor-to-be outside of a conference room at the State Capitol.

After mocking Mr. Snyder for having a crush on the outgoing Democratic governor, their insults turned physical as they began tormenting him for several minutes.

"They surrounded Mr. Snyder and demanded his lunch money," recalls Mark Medina, a legislative aide who witnessed the event. "Mr. Snyder explained that all he had was his credit card. That made them angry, so they slapped his briefcase out of his hands and dumped the contents of Snyder's water bottle over his head before laughing and exchanging high-fives."

When the governor-elect bent down to retrieve his files, one assailant, identified as Representative Jim Slezak of Genesse County, kicked Snyder in the rear and sent him tumbling to the ground. The group then locked the Governor-elect in a janitor's closet before hopping into a Pontiac Firebird and taking off in the direction of a Lansing area malt shop.

The assailants, all dressed in democratic blue varsity jackets sporting patches from a recent inter-cameral softball league championship, have a history of terrorizing state employees of lower-social order. Employees of the state's Information Technology and Budget Forecasting departments alone have filed over 30 complaints against the clique, none of which has been investigated.

The attack prompted Snyder to announce a new zero tolerance policy for state employee bullying, much to the delight of computer-carrying and math-astute employees all over the Capitol.

A spokesperson for the Legislative Jocks scoffed at the announcement calling the governor-elect a "dweeb." The statement also questioned how the Michigan legislators plan to beat the Ohio State Assembly in the annual Midwest Political Softball Championships without their star players.

Jones test markets Coney dog soda

2010-11-08T09:02:00.000-05:00

By: Bonnie Brooke
Detroit, Michigan

Known for its off-the-wall flavors, such as turkey & gravy and salmon pate, Jones Soda Co. is test marketing its newest flavor in Detroit: Coney dog.

"I got the idea when I was visiting my cousins in Allen Park a couple of years ago," said Bud Hampton, Jones food chemist. "We went to Lafayette Coney Island after a Kid Rock concert, and, bam! I said, 'A soda like this would taste flippin' awesome!'"

After extending his vacation three weeks to taste test Coney dogs at American, National and Leo's Coney Islands, Hampton flew back to the Jones headquarters in Seattle and got to work replicating the flavors of his new found favorite food.

"I have to admit, it was pretty tough -- a lot more complicated than recreating the taste of turkey in a liquid form," Hampton said. "I spent months trying to get the right amount of garlic, cumin and chili powder to get the chili taste just right without letting the tastes of beef, pork and salt of the hot dogs come too far up on the taste buds. And I have to admit, this is the first time we've ever had to think about adding onion and mustard into one of our sodas, but luckily, I was able to do that with all-natural, organic ingredients."

So far, Detroiters have been raving about the new flavor.

"Damn! This is good!" exclaimed Tommy "Rip" Bell of Livonia, who picked up a bottle of Coney dog soda Hiller's Market in Northville. "I don't know what it is -- the carbonation of the flavoring -- but even my burps come up smelling and tasting like I ate a Coney dog!"

"I wasn't sure about it at first; it doesn't taste good cold," Josh Bean of Melvindale said. "So I put it in the microwave, and it hit the spot. Heating it up brings out the aroma, too."

Receipts at Royal Oak's BlackFinn are up 73 percent since head bartender Kevin Schott started serving the latest drink he invented: the Coney dog martini.

"We usually get an MGD crowd in here, especially at happy hour when it's $2 a bottle," Schott said. "But these guys are willing to pay another $9 a drink if it tastes like a Coney dog with a shot of Belvedere."

Jones CEO William Meissner said the newest flavor may be what the company needed to pull it out of a downward financial slide since 2007.

"We already have Bud working on our two new flavors in the lab: bumpy cake and chili cheese fries," Meissner said. "If success continues, we may have to change the company name to Jones Pop Co."

Local woman with food stuck in teeth bonds with dog

2010-11-03T08:59:00.000-04:00

By: Luke Sokolewicz
Detroit, Michigan

On Saturday morning, 43 year-old Cloie Myers forgot to brush her teeth. But it was her hygienic disregard that would help spark a beautiful new friendship with a stray Toy Pomeranian dog at Detroit’s Roosevelt Park.

The serendipitous incident occurred when Myers was settled on a picnic blanket reading a book review of “Eat, Pray, Love.” In the corner of her eye, she spotted a small, scraggly dog urinating near a bush. The fluffiness of its perfect little head drew her attention and she decided to say hello. The dog ran towards her. And just after stopping to lick its crotch, it gallantly leapt into her arms and proceeded to fervently lick her face, mainly in the mouth region. Then the dog reverted back to licking its crotch.

“There was an immediate connection. In that moment, I just knew it was meant to be,” said Myers, holding the dog (now named Tinkie) close to her chest.

But upon returning home, her brother noticed a little piece of chicken stuck in her teeth from a Chipotle Chicken Burrito from the night before.

“Sure, there was a little piece there, but I swear, there was something else. I saw it in his eyes,” said Myers, starting to tear up.

The rest of the Myer family remains skeptical. “Nope, I’m pretty sure it was the chicken. Any food stuck in her teeth would have done it, really,” said Andrew Myers, Cloie’s brother.

Her entire family is adamant that she’s actually in denial and that the new relationship is now leading to self-destructive hygienic behavior. Her husband has witnessed a significant decrease in her morning teeth brushing routine. Family members are convinced that she is using the excess food to draw more affection from Tinkie.

“Tinkie is the most affectionate with her in the morning. Really makes you think,” said Patricia Moore, a close friend of Myers.

Rose Myers, Cloie’s sister offered her perspective on the situation. “Uh, gross?!” she said.

But family and friends aren’t the only ones worrying. Dr. Jeffery Harris, her dentist at Detroit Dental is growing very concerned.

“I love my dog too, but you have to draw the line somewhere. If she keeps neglecting her dental hygiene, a cavity is inevitable. Her lower left side is the most vulnerable. We’re really keeping an eye on that 2nd Molar, “ said Dr. Harris.

Myers says that Tinkie has only been a positive effect in her life. She claims that her teeth are fine and that Tinkie just “happens to like his kissies in the morning. Yes he does. Oh yes he dooooes,” said Myers, speaking directly to Tinkie in 3rd person.

Unfortunately, that’s still not good enough for the Myers family. Close relatives are encouraging neighbors to notify family members of any strange behavior.

“If she walks by and you smell bacon, please let us,” said Brenda Myers, Cloie’s cousin.

Politics and Pancakes fundraiser draws 300 fat, uninformed voters

2010-10-22T09:36:00.001-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Algonac, Michigan

David E. Lasseter, Democratic challenger in the hotly-contested 81st Michigan House District, held a fundraiser for his campaign in Algonac Thursday morning. The event, billed as "Politics and Pancakes," gave residents of the 81st district the chance to share their opinions with the would-be representative while enjoying all-you-can-eat pancakes and sausage in exchange for a small donation.

Once word of the politically-motivated breakfast buffet became widely circulated, morbidly obese constituents from all over St. Clair County lumbered into an Algonac area diner to stuff their faces and share their views.

The svelte, former U.S. Marine Lasseter was noticeably-perturbed and unprepared both for the volume of rotund men and women trundling about and the quantities of breakfast foods they ceaselessly shoveled into their mouths.

The state house hopeful was rebuffed on several attempts to start conversations with the event's participants, sometimes only receiving guttural noises and growls in exchange for his warm introduction.

Lasseter volunteers, who clearly and egregiously underestimated the amount of pancake batter and sausage that would be needed to host the event, were forced to take a break an hour into service in order to obtain more supplies. Only then was Lasseter able to take advantage of the near-mutinous conditions to hold an impromptu forum and dialogue with his guests.

Patrons begrudgingly took part in the forum, using the lull to share their cantankerous views on political issues, most of which did not impact the small suburban district either directly or indirectly.

"I can't vote for you Mister Labrador, because the last thing we need in Washington is another rubber stamp liberal supporting Barack Hussein Obama," shrieked an unidentified, portly woman on a Rascal scooter, sporting a syrup-stained sweatshirt with a picture of the Bluewater bridge.

Despite Lasseter's attempts to explain that the office he was seeking was in the state house, most of the participants mistook his pleas for understanding with a refusal to answer their irrational questions. The forum quickly devolved into a shouting match between attendees before the flow of pancakes started up soon after.

"Most of us wish we could have kept breakfast flowing into their mouths instead of allowing the nonsense out," admits a defeated volunteer, who wished to remain anonymous. "You could really see the hope trickle from Dave's face when they would prattle on about Al-Qaeda and 'the gays.'"

The event, which hoped to raise $2,000 for the Lasseter campaign, ended up costing it over $700 due to the participants claims that their "hard-earned tax dollars" entitled them to as many pancakes as they could eat.

Prince Fielder signed to deal worth over 7.2 million Hot-N-Ready Pizzas

2010-10-20T08:55:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Detroit, Michigan

With the Major League Divisional Series in full swing, the Detroit Tigers moved fast to fill the team's need for a power bat by signing stocky Milwaukee Brewers First baseman Prince Fielder.

Terms of the deal were leaked to reporters shortly after the announcement, citing that the son of Tigers legend Cecil Fielder will make approximately 7.2 million large, Hot-N-Ready Little Caesars pizzas (the equivalent of $36 million) over three seasons. The contract also includes several incentives centered around Crazy Bread and Caesar Wings, dependent upon the slugger's performance.

Baseball business analyst David McCauley with JHL Sports Management applauds the Tigers for the shrewd move, pointing out that Tigers owner Mike Ilitch's control of the pizza franchise gave the organization a tremendous amount of bargaining power.

"Mike [Ilitch] was able to get premium talent to essentially play for peanuts, or in this case, pizza. The vertical integration here was unlike any other situation in major league contract negotiation."

Given the positive financial implications of the deal, Tigers General Manager Dave Dombrowski was all smiles at a press conference yesterday evening announcing Fielder's acquisition.

"We're very proud to have the services of Prince and also to continue our organization's commitment to signing fragile, one-dimensional position players to multi-year contracts," announced Dombrowski in a press conference this morning.

Adding, that the signing will have virtually no impact on the Tigers' 2011 payroll and off-season spending constraints because the team, "in essence prints the money we pay Prince."

Baseball insiders report that Fielder turned down a 4 year offer to play for the Kansas City Royals that was reportedly worth over 2.1 million full slabs of Smokehouse Barbecue Ribs.

Self-Righteousness from Birmingham spreads to surrounding cities

2010-10-18T09:02:00.003-04:00

By: Luke Sokolewicz
Birmingham, Michigan

Residents of Troy, Royal Oak, and Southfield are all on high alert as Self-Righteousness continues to cut an arrogant swath across portions of Metro Detroit.

The origin of the outbreak has been traced to an incident in downtown Birmingham where 12 women having brunch in boutique outdoor cafes simultaneously complained about a lack of cranberries in their salads. From that point forward, the Self-Righteousness could not be contained within the area and began seeping out in all directions.

“My entire block smells like Chanel No. 5 and overpriced miniature cupcakes. I just knew it had to have come from Birmingham,” said Charles Marler, a resident of Troy.

Residents in affected neighborhoods are urged to stay indoors and avoid any sudden urges to put on white pants or name their child “Sebastian.”

In addition, FEMA has issued a list of behaviors that should be avoided to reduce the chances of transmitting the virulent substance.

• Petting tiny, annoying dogs wearing stupid sweaters
• Accepting business cards from fat, rich, bald men wearing Bluetooth headsets
• Clinking martini glasses
• Engaging in conversation about financial portfolios whilst yachting
• Being unimpressed by a 1892 Cabernet Sauvignon wine

“The best prevention tactic is to simply dress like you’re homeless. That way you’ll create a safe distance between you and any self-righteous individual,” said Dr. Han Liu, an epidemiologist, an expert on epidemics of this magnitude.

Liu predicts that neighboring cities will experience a drastic increase of dog resorts, fine dining with exquisite outdoor patios, and the use of the word, “famished.” The only city that will not be affected is Bloomfield Hills, where an abundance of Self-Righteousness already exists and will cancel the impending Self-Righteousness out.

Most affected residents are afraid, but some are surprisingly excited.

“I think our town could use a few more tanning salons and smoothie bars. And it’s about time we get a Cosi around here. Or at least a Panera,” said Brendon Kass, a resident of Southfield, originally from Los Angeles.

Economist, Carl Dansworth, is also optimistic that this could actually help turn Detroit’s economy around.

“What those lower class Detroiters need is to wake up in the morning and to suddenly feel like they are overpaid, constantly stressed out, twice divorced, self-accomplished and over caffeinated. That’s how Detroit will come back. I say bring on the pet boutiques and huge sunglasses,” said Dansworth, also a resident of Birmingham.

On the bright side, experts’ projections estimate that the Self-Righteousness will only pose a threat for a few more days and will eventually be self-absorbed.

NFL rules Lions 'failed to complete process' of winning recent game

2010-10-13T09:07:00.003-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Detroit, Michigan

The National Football League unceremoniously stripped the Detroit Lions of their 44-6 victory over the St. Louis Rams on Sunday, ruling that the much-condoled franchise "failed to complete the process of winning the game."

NFL Vice President of Officiating Carl Johnson, broke the news to Head Coach Jim Schwartz during practice on Tuesday, outlining the NFL's controversial new regulation.

"Did the Lions have more points on the board than their opponent at the end of the contest on Sunday?" asked Johnson.

"Yes," he answered. "But there's more to winning football game than outscoring the opposing team."

The veteran NFL administrator went on to explain the ruling, giving Schwartz a detailed account of what went wrong.

According to Johnson, following the expiration of the game clock, Schwartz did not properly thank Rams Head Coach Steve Spagnuolo with the NFL-required handshake, followed by the genial exchange of pleasantries and pat on the back.

"You can see clearly in the replay that Schwartz shakes Spagnuolo's hand once, twice, but breaks contact early and does not get the full three pumps in. You also see Schwartz thank him for a good contest, but as he goes to pat him on the back, he's carted away for a media interview. He broke contact too early. In my book, that's an incomplete victory."

Schwartz also did not collect the Gatorade cups from the home team sidelines before leaving the stadium on Sunday, requiring grounds crews to work overtime -- a clear violation of NFL personnel policies.

The Lions, who thought they had won their first victory in almost a year on Sunday, were understandably heartbroken when Schwartz gave them the news.

"I think everyone on the field knows that coach [Schwartz] finished the football game," says Lions Tight end Brandon Pettigrew. "But these regulations exist for a reason, so we just have to press on. I just hope it's something the NFL looks into."

MLB opts for 24 man umpiring crews during World Series

2010-10-08T10:06:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
New York City, New York

Fresh off the controversy surrounding several missed calls during Thursday's American and National League Division Series, groups across Major League Baseball pressed Commissioner Bud Selig to expand the use of instant replay during the 2011 MLB Postseason.

Selig has remained ardent in his opposition to expanded use of video replay technology, despite mounting and increasingly overt umpire blunders over the past season.

Commissioner Selig -- who opposed the use of artificial lighting and electronic scoreboards in Major League stadiums until 1994 -- once again emphasized his devotion to the so-called "human element" of baseball, but did offer frustrated baseball fans some hope.

"Major League Baseball respects the opinions and passion of its management, staff and fans," stated Selig in a handwritten press release. "While there have been some unusual and confusing calls made by our infallible umpiring crews, I submit that this capricious and seemingly-irrational application of the rules is what makes baseball great."

Instead, Selig will quadruple the number of umpires assigned to officiate games during the 2011 World Series, stating that "there's nothing a computer-machine can do that a few more carefully trained eyes can't do better."

According to Selig, the almost 3-to-1 umpire to player ratio should "significantly decrease the need for managers to argue calls."

Four umpires will monitor the strike zone, two of which will watch the inside/outside corners while the other two monitor the vertical. These umpires will confer following each pitch to determine if it was a strike or ball.

Another four umpires in a chevron formation will flank the pitchers mound assuring the pitcher does not balk. One umpire will stand behind the pitcher's mound, in front of second base to assure proper use of the rosin bag.

In the infield are five more umpires covering the bags and baselines. In addition, four officials on both the right and left field base lines will spread out and make fair/foul decisions, as four more cover the outfield to rule on catches and home runs.

Selig's plan has met with mostly negative reviews, the majority of which come from players and managers. The consensus issue is that having 24 umpires on the field at a given time might interfere with play.

J.J. Hardy, shortstop with the AL Central Champion Minnesota Twins, recounted a time in the Dominican Winter League where officials experimented with a 24 umpire crew.

"I was trying to turn a double play when two of the second base umpires collided with each other. One took out the runner from first, and the other fell into me. The base paths looked like a crowded city street with all these guys in black suits moving in all different directions."

In addition to the crowded field argument, some managers feel the solution simply doesn't address the fundamental issue.

"You could have sixty umpires on the field, and they're still going to be blind as shit," snapped Joe Maddon, Manager of the Tampa Bay Rays. His team was on the receiving end of a blown check swing call in Game 2 of the ALDS.

Homeless man’s shirt stolen by local hipster

2010-10-06T08:50:00.002-04:00

By: Luke Sokolewicz
Detroit, Michigan

A homeless man in downtown Detroit was assaulted Friday evening on a street corner by a male in his mid 20s that subsequently stole the victim’s “Todd’s Bike Shop” t-shirt right off his back.

Witnesses described the suspect as a male with very pasty skin, wearing thick black rimmed glasses, flannel scarf, a Fedora hat, very tight dirty black jeans, some stupid brightly colored hoodie and reeking with a strong scent of Patchouli, American Spirit cigarettes, incense, and with a slight hint of self-righteousness.

The only evidence left at the scene of the crime was a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a tiny Whole Foods button.

After the assault, the homeless victim was a little shaken up, but didn’t feel especially at a loss.

“Shirt got holes in it. I was gonna throw it away anyway. Startin to stank,” said the slightly intoxicated victim, who then proceeded to ask for bus fare.

After a brief investigation, detectives speculated that the suspect was probably coming from an Indie/Electro show at Old Shillelagh pub.

“Hipsters love stupid music and cheap beer,” said a resident in the downtown area.

Pauline Thee, a Threadless.com employee, had this additional insight, “It’s getting harder for these dirty hipsters to find original t-shirts. They feel like their only chance is to go to the homeless community. Go to any soup kitchen in Detroit and you’ll see them stalking their next victim.”

Surprisingly enough, this isn’t an isolated incident. Last week, a young unemployed philosophy graduate from Wayne State University was arrested after assaulting a 12 year-old girl with a Jones Soda bottle and stealing her size one low-rise jeans and “I Love Unicorns” backpack.

The homeless hipster beater is still at large, but authorities remain optimistic.

“We’re currently looking in all the parents’ basements in suburban areas in Royal Oak and every independently owned coffee shop in Metro Detroit," said Detective Michael Pollock with the Detroit Police Department.

"We’ll find him. Don’t you worry.”

Civil, constructive debate takes place on Free Press web comment thread

2010-10-01T10:06:00.002-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Detroit, Michigan

Recent news coverage of Assistant State Attorney General Andrew Shirvell's persecution of an openly-gay University of Michigan student has set off a firestorm of debate between gay rights supporters and free speech advocates.

While passionate, rancorous exchanges take place between seemingly hate-filled anonymous parties on other websites, blind rage and ignorance were nowhere to be found in the web comments section of a Detroit Free Press article about the controversy.

"The discussion was downright academic," admits Tyler Saxton, a very surprised intern with the Detroit-based publication.

Throughout his tenure at the paper, Saxton's unenviable position include the moderation of reader comments to news articles. Since registration requires only a non-public email address and nickname, often times inflammatory and offensive statements are made since participants are largely anonymous.

"I was getting ready to perform my hate-speech keyword search when, to my surprise, there weren't any. Instead there was a civil discourse taking place between conversant, well-spoken and respectful individuals, all of whom provided their full names and credentials."

"I've never seen anything like it," added the 22 year-old Journalism student.

The cultured policy debate flourished for several hours without so much as a terse word or over-exaggeration. Commenters acknowledged the merits of their opponents statements and retorted using scholarly references, and in some cases, citing case law.

Participants paid as much attention to their grammar and spelling as they did to the arguments themselves, a vast improvement over previous threads.

"We've come to expect barely-intelligible chat speak with a confusing array of random capitalization," says Saxton. "People are more interested in offending as many people as they can, than they are self-editing. Which is ironic considering most of the time you can't understand what they're trying to say anyway."

Deliberations, ultimately centering around the free-speech rights and public trust responsibilities of civil servants, lasted well into Thursday afternoon. That was until "DtownOGaNgStA" asserted that one of the main champions of Andrew Shirvel's freedom of speech, was, himself "a FaG."

Despite the blatant and offensive remark, the target thanked "DtownOGaNgStA" for his contribution and -- while disagreeing with his assessment -- said he would 'defend to his last breath his First Amendment rights.'

Following the gesture, "DtownOGaNgStA" responded, calling his target an "OOberFaG" saying that he got "pwned." With that, urbane dialogue faded, along with the hopes of many Metro Detroiters, who had kept up with the conversation in the hopes of better educating themselves.

The thread then devolved into the familiar semi-literate, uninformed hodgepodge of name calling, at one point derailing completely to discuss Justin Beiber's contribution to American music.

Faygo introduces Fayrmasuticals product line

2010-09-27T08:57:00.002-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Detroit, Michigan

Diversification is the key to surviving the stagnant economic climate of Michigan. Nobody understands that better than local beverage producer Faygo, which is set to unveil its new line of over-the-counter medicines this spring called "Fayrmasuticals."

Faygo Beverages, which is new to the pharmaceutical market, has been developing the line of flavored cough and cold suppressants for several weeks and hopes to exploit the weaknesses of some of the more established brands.

“God knows when I’m sick, I’d almost rather man up and power through it if it means not having to swallow those awful syrups,” admits Al Chittaro, Executive Vice President. “But I thought to myself, what if my 24 hour chest decongestant tasted like Rock ‘N Rye? I knew then that I was onto something.”

Faygo hopes to capitalize on its industry-wide reputation of offering consumers a wide variety of options in large sizes at a competitive cost. But those very principals are what critics say makes Fayrmasuticals a fundamentally unsound idea for health care.

In particular, Faygo’s 3-Liter “Sickly Sam” Strawberry-Kiwi flavored cough suppressant and expectorant has attracted the attention of the Food and Drug Administration.

Beth Pragle is a Consumer Products Researcher with the FDA, she says Sickly Sam is quite tasty, but the three-liter size is daunting for a number of reasons.

“We have a legitimate concern that offering a product that tastes as pleasing as that [Sickly Sam] does, which has a 15% alcohol content per volume, could lead to widespread misuse,” she says. “The recommended 8oz dosage, which they mistakenly refer to as a ‘Serving Size’ is dramatically above any safe regulatory standard I’m aware of.”

Other Products Included in FDA Investigation:

Gnarly Green Apple Nasal Decongestant
London Fog Daytime Cold Symptom Suppressant
Super Squirtin' Starfruit Sore Throat Spray
Coughin' Carl's Cranberry Citrus Mucus Remover

Scott Lewis investigates yogurt theft from WXYZ break room

2010-09-24T09:54:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Southfield, Michigan

Crackerjack investigative reporter Scott Lewis recently embarked on one of his most ambitious journalistic endeavors to date, announcing plans to solve the theft of yogurt and other portable snacks from the break room at WXYZ studios in Southfield.

Lewis, who recently moved from Fox 2 to Channel 7 Action News, resolved to do something about the recent rash of lunch time larceny after a Dannon "Light 'N Fit" Strawberry-Banana yogurt, with his name clearly and conspicuously written on the outside, was taken without his authorization.

"It made me angry," admits the twenty-year veteran. "But this isn't about just me. Val [Clark] had her lean cuisine brazenly stolen from the freezer just yesterday, and I don't think Dave [LewAllen] got to enjoy even one of his wife Sandra's brownies last week. It has to stop."

His investigation spanned over two weeks and recorded over 200 hours of hidden camera video of the WXYZ break room, offices and vending machines. In total, Lewis and his staff invested over 160 man hours attempting to catch the snack swindler.

Lewis also admits that this was among the most sensitive and difficult cases he's ever tried to crack.

"It's always hard to turn the spotlight on the people you work with. We had to bring our 'A Games' too, since the mastermind behind this despicable ring could potentially be someone that I see every day. I couldn't trust anyone."

He added, "I've always been known for my 'Busted on the Job' segments, but I never dreamed it would be in my own back yard."

A contrite Lewis also expressed frustration over an incident where his journalistic integrity and results-oriented approach put him at odds with the safety of a co-worker.

Just two days into the hidden camera investigation, with his producer and an aide staking out the break room, the video feed captured an unknown WXYZ employee apparently choking on a granola bar. As the employee writhed around helplessly due to a lack of oxygen, Lewis wrestled with his conscience since intervening would almost certainly blow his cover.

"Luckily for us, a night tape operator walked by just in time, and I was prevented from having to make a difficult decision," reflects Lewis. "All I could think to myself is 'I have a commitment to this story and I must see it through.'"

It all paid off in the end admits Lewis, who has in his possession "irrefutable" evidence of who has been stealing from the communal fridge. WXYZ is running promos this week ahead of the report, which will air next Monday at 10pm.

Local viewers have taken to the concept, despite having virtually no connection to the seemingly meaningless offense.

"A delicious whodunit!" squeals Michelle Reed, stay-at-home mom from Bloomfield Hills. "I've never actually worked in an office. But if someone stole my dessert, I'd want to find them to." Adding, "I'm glad seven is on my side."

Lewis is reticent about the outcome of the investigation, capitalizing on the hype and reminding everyone to tune in next week.

However a viewer poll conducted at WXYZ.com puts points to Dave Rexroth, who is mistrusted due to the virtue of his position as Channel 7 Meteorologist.

Armada 6-4-7(f) debuts on CBS to lackluster ratings

2010-09-22T08:56:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Armada, Michigan

Armada 6-4-7(f), CBS's new crime-drama set in a sleepy hamlet 50 miles north of Detroit, made its debut last night opposite the much anticipated and highly-publicized Detroit 1-8-7 on ABC.

While praised by critics for it's ultra-realistic portrayal of rural law enforcement tedium, Armada 6-4-7(f) received a disappointing 2% share of the overnight ratings, finishing slightly above Spike TV's 1,000 Ways to Die.

Armada 6-4-7(f) stars Chris Cooper as veteran Armada Police Officer Brian Olszewski and Amanda Seyfried as the perky-yet-determined rookie dispatcher Kim Hardesty. Due to recent revenue-sharing cutbacks to local governments, Olszewski is Armada's only full-time law enforcement officer while Hardesty has to balance her job as the town's emergency dispatcher with new administrative responsibilities at the station.

The Pilot episode features Olszewski diligently monitoring the speed trap on Armada Ridge Road when all-of-a-sudden Hardesty -- having just completed light office work -- receives a report of underage drinking taking place behind the Subway on Main Street.

Olszewski confronts the inebriated minors and discovers that one of the perpetrators is Armada High School Quarterback Jason Helms, played by Two and a Half Men's Angus T. Jones. Helms has recently turned to drinking as a way of lashing out against his father, who is insisting the young man pursue a military career upon graduation. Olszewski gives him a lift back to his house on Spencer Street, encouraging him to follow his passion, Taxidermy.

Alicia Sturges of Variety Magazine lauded CBS's attempt to impart positive messaging as a wrapper around a prime time drama, calling it "the most enthralling police procedural since Law and Order: Animal Control Unit."

But that wasn't enough to satisfy most audiences, most of whom agreed the show lacked grit.

"If I wanted to watch an after-school special in a deer tick of a town, I'd go outside and watch something on Lifetime. Where's the car chases?" asked @BoredInDa586 via tweet.

Producers assured audiences that there would be plenty of excitement to go around as upcoming episodes will features break-in at the Pharmacy that Olszewski must solve before an Armada resident goes into insulin shock. Viewers can also look forward to Scott Bakula in an upcoming cameo as Armada Town Trustee David Coenen.

They were also quick to defend the show's concept, reminding critics that Armada 6-4-7(f) is an alternative to the unflattering, often dystopic portrayals of urban life in America.

"Leave the murders, rapes and violent assaults to the other shows," says Executive Producer Joan H. Vaillancourt. "Our show is aimed at American's on Main Street facing real-world problems like larceny at the farmer's market, noise complaints and public intoxication. Misdemeanors make for riveting television too."

New high school quarterback looks suspiciously like Scott Mitchell

2010-09-17T08:46:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
New Haven, Michigan

As a crowd of eighty fans filed into the New Haven High School football field on Thursday night, many could sense there was something different about their beleaguered team. An air of excitement and the tinge of possibility electrified the spectators, most of whom found themselves at the game purely out of familial obligation, or a lack of available entertainment options.

Yet to score in their previous contests this season, the 0-3 Rockets took the field against their division rival Mount Clemens Battling Bathers with a new 6' 7" bearded quarterback.

Rockets Coaching Staff were all smiles as the aged hulk loomed over the historically-ineffective New Haven offensive line. However, their collective mugs quickly faded as the unknown torso fumbled the ball for a turnover on the first snap of the game resulting in a Mount Clemens touchdown.

An all-too-familiar, yet even more demoralizing offensive farce ensued for the next two quarters as the Battling Bathers quickly built a 37 point lead.

The mysterious new student behemoth quarterback invited the ire of fans and teammates alike as his first half stats included four interceptions, two fumbles and a safety. In addition, New Haven's new quarterback was sacked a record 14 times despite having a meaningful advantage in size over Mount Clemens defenders.

A promising first drive of the second half ended in disaster as Mount Clemens intercepted the ball in the red zone, running it back for an 86-yard touchdown.

That officially ended the unknown quarterback's night, as New Haven's sophomore backup quarterback Chase Gupton was brought on to finish the remainder of the game.

Instead of rejoining the team's bench the ousted thrower quickly exited the premises removing his helmet only to enter a 2006 Kia Forte. A group of fans, who were also leaving the clear blowout, couldn't believe what they saw when the helmet was removed.

"That was Scott Mitchell!" swears-to-God John Maxey, father of New Haven defensive tackle and junior Chase Maxey. "I'd recognize that flash-in-the-pan loser anywhere!"

Rumors quickly spread that New Haven High School had paid former and controversial mid-nineties Lions quarterback Scott Mitchell to win a game for their haggard football program.

This morning, New Haven Athletic Director Darren Reed released a statement denying the event, citing "the confidence the athletic department has in the leadership and talent on our Varsity football team." Adding that parents can "rest-assured that, even if such an agreement took place, Scott Mitchell would not be getting his $400 after the way he played on Thursday."

Asian Carp Czar calls for more plankton, imperial conquest

2010-09-15T09:01:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Lockport, Illinois

Asian Carp Czar, Atsuko Borichevskiy, held a press conference recently demanding an increase in zooplankton to provide additional resources to the expanding Mississippi River

Speaking through a fish translator, the total ruler of Western Hemisphere Asian Carp and descendant of fish deities said the extra foodstuffs will go to support his 'glorious plan for imperial expansion' into the fertile waters of Lake Michigan.

"We shall leap free of the electric fences of oppression that have, for too long, kept in check our destiny to conquer the waters beyond the shipping locks. Now is the time to rise up, out of the water, and strike the oppressive Western human hordes and their capitalist overseers. Our domination of the fresh-waterways of this great land will be total! To victory!"

Borichevskiy has called on his people to make "the ultimate sacrifice" in order to prevent local, state and federal fish and game officials from preventing the further spread of his brethren.

As a result, attacks on government and civilian watercraft have ramped up at the hotly-contested war-zone near the Chicago Sanitary and Shipping Canal, described by both sides as the front line in this ongoing conflict.

Two members of a Illinois Fish and Game crew were hospitalized when their zodiac violently capsized after being attacked by a squadron of Asian Carp who leapt out of the water in unison disabling the pilot.

"We lost a lot of good men out there," admits Marine Biologist Wilford Long. "But in the end, we took out around half-a-dozen of those bastards before the ship went down."

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife officials have been dispatched to the region, joining other outdoor diplomatic envoys from Michigan, Illinois and Indiana in an attempt to find a peaceful solution to this ongoing problem.

Despite Borichevskiy's admission that only unrestricted access and colonization of the Great Lakes will be an acceptable solution, hopes remain high that the two sides can reach some accord.

"And if we can't do that, we'll poison the shit out of them," pledges U.S. Interior Secretary Ken Salizar, who has virtually no experience in diplomatic negotiation.

Sergio Marchionne clothing line debuts on QVC

2010-09-08T09:59:00.001-04:00

By: Bonnie Brooke
West Goshen Township, Pennsylvania

On-air home shopping giant QVC kicked off its first men’s, and possibly the most popular, clothing line in its history: the Sergio Marchionne Collection.

Named after the Fiat and Chrysler CEO, the Sergio Marchionne Collection is based on the only three items in his wardrobe: black crew neck sweater, blue button-down shirt, and black pants.

“The Italians have always been on the forefront of fashion, but Sergio puts fashion in understandable terms for men: Keep it simple,” said Frank Cross, director of men’s fashion at QVC. “It’s a look that he’s proven he can take from the boardroom to dinner at an expensive restaurant and everywhere else in between.”

Bob Bordine, an accountant from Des Moines, Iowa, was the first to order from the Sergio Marchionne Collection.

“I don’t want to sound as if I have a man-crush on Mr. Marchionne, but you gotta love him,” Bordine said. “All these years I’ve been telling my wife that I don’t have time to find the right tie and socks to go with some frou-frou lilac dress shirt she bought me for Christmas; I just want to go into my closet, find what I need, and put it on without having to think.”

Although the collection lacks depth, it has already created a deep profit margin for the shopping network’s bottom line.

“When we sell something like the Polynesian poncho blouse in our women’s collection, we have to offer it in at least four colors because women want choices, and that drives up manufacturing costs,” Cross said. “But on the first night we launched the Sergio Marchionne Collection, we had thousands of customers buying three, four, five of each item.”

Ted Smith, a customs broker from Dearborn, never thought he’d become a home shopping channel convert.

“I hate shopping at the mall,” Smith said. “It’s so confusing. They make it impossible to find a simple shirt, sweater or pants. Now all I have to do is turn on the TV or go to the website, place my order, and get what I need without ever having to go to the mall ever again.”

Walsh College 'Corporate Speak' classes to fulfill foreign language requirement

2010-09-03T08:36:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Troy, Michigan

A long-standing leader in preparing business students for their roles in Michigan's boardrooms, Walsh College is now offering undergrads the chance to fulfill their foreign language requirements with its corporate terminology and speaking classes, normally reserved for graduate students.

Martha Reynolds, Walsh College Provost says that the foreign language designation has not only increased enrollment, but provides a valuable service to aspiring business men and women.

"Everyone knows that this is an increasingly globalized world we live in, making fluency in multiple languages a business necessity. But, perhaps more importantly, our Corporate Speak offerings give students a chance to understand the subtle nuances of the domestic business environment. For example, how is a Junior Account Executive going to thrive in an environment where he or she doesn't know how to leverage the vertical integration synergies vis-a-vis the bottom-line branding deliverables?

Walsh's Introduction to Management Vernacular course will give pupils the chance to immerse themselves in the patois of today's office environment in the classroom and through a series of field trips to local marketing and e-commerce firms.

"At first, I could only understand about every other word," admits Walsh sophomore Emily Boyd. "But after we sat in on a few 'ideation sessions' I started to pick it up. Before I knew it I was helping them optimize solutions-oriented benchmarks."

"'Corpo' (Corporate Speak) is a lot like English. But instead of using simple words that everyone understands, speakers use obscure words that they co-opt from the thesaurus to enhance their perceived understanding of business concepts," explains Walsh College Corporate Speak instructor Harry Saylor. "Much like many aspects of the commercial world, perception is reality. So the more fluently and aggressively a person speaks Corpo, the more informed they appear. It's a language of fear and anxiety that everyone speaks."

Much like any traditional foreign language, Beginner Corpo speakers often find intensive repetition and memorization to be keys to success.

"The nouns are the easiest, since those usually do have a specific meaning," says Cecilia Heacock, a Walsh MBA Student . "The adjectives are the hardest because, most of the time, they appear meaningless and interchangeable. I still can't get anyone to explain what 'dynamic' or 'goal-oriented' means, but they're used constantly."

Heacock has been studying Corpo since her first internship as an undergraduate student and is poised to complete Walsh College's most advanced Corporate Speak class, Organic Implementation of Leading-Edge Business Infomediaries. Only fluent Corpo speakers take the class since deciphering the title requires significant knowledge of the corporate parlance.

"What scares me the most about being a fluent speaker is the fact that I sometimes catch myself thinking in Corpo. Instead of 'I need to get together with my lab partner and cracking on our homework," I think, 'I need to circle-back and download with my human capital and rapidously expedite my intermandated imperatives.' Then, I just feel like throwing up."

In the Spring semester, Walsh will also begin experimenting with a Management Aphorisms class, meant for higher level graduate students that will be assuming Director or Vice President roles throughout companies.

The goal of this class is to teach insightful-sounding, but ultimately nonsensical maxims which will be used as motivational tools or summary statements for subordinates.

Students will learn the appropriate application of phrases like "challenge the paradigm" and "going from good to great."

16 year old Tigers draft pick has 104 mph fastball, exploding bone disorder

2010-09-01T09:03:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Detroit, Michigan

The Tigers brass were all smiles at a recent press conference where Detroit General Manager Dave Dombrowski announced the signing of his club's most highly-touted draft pick, Darren Daniels.

Daniels, a sophomore from Brookville High School in Lynchburg, Va., gained national attention in 2009 where he struck out sixteen straight batters during the Virgina High School Baseball Championship Game, before having to leave the game due to a demolished Radius.

The pubescent fireballer has a rare musculoskeletal disorder known as Ossein Detonation Syndrome, which causes the collagen in his bones to burst without warning.

Despite his medical condition and age, the Detroit Tigers organization quickly handed him a $2.4 million signing bonus and assigned him to the team's AA Erie roster, where he will forgo the remaining two years of high school.

Tigers Head Athletic Trainer Kevin Rand downplayed the severity of Daniels' condition, saying that he didn't believe it would have much impact on his long-term prospects.

"ODS is exactly what it sounds like. Your bones can just blow up without warning and for no apparent reason. But aside from that, this kid's as healthy as any other ball player I've ever seen. We'll deal with his skeleton blowing up when it happens. We have a crack team."

Rick Knapp, the Detroit Tigers pitching coach says he's been watching Daniels closely, and he believes the young man is destined for greatness in the major leagues.

"This kid's got electric stuff," raves Knapp. "He only knows how to throw one speed, and that's fast."

Praise wasn't the only think Knapp was dishing out. He also has a few concerns about the young flamethrower's repertoire.

"We're going to need to work on his secondary pitches, specifically adding one. A fastball that consistently reaches the triple digits is great, but you need to have something else to keep hitters off-balance. We experimented a bit. But his change up was clocked at 97 and his breaking ball landed about three feet in front of him."

During the press conference, several reporters also raised concerns about Daniels' age and what they referred to as is lack of development, from a maturity standpoint.

"What do you mean by 'lack of development,' asshole?" shouted Daniels. "I'm the best pitcher in the world! You know what my ERA was in high school? Zero point zero, that's smaller than your penis! I hate you!"

Following the outburst, club manager Jim Leyland sported a rare ear-to-ear smile admitting that "he loves that kid's fire."

Macomb Community College South Campus receives official 12 Mile High designation

2010-08-30T09:04:00.000-04:00

By: Bonnie Brooke
Warren, Michigan

After decades of being known as 12 Mile High, Macomb Community College’s South Campus is making the name official with the addition of the school’s new Medical Marijuana Program.

The school’s new two-year program covers a multitude of disciplines, which include agriculture, culinary studies, medical diagnostics, sales and marketing, and law.

A 1999 study by the Institute of Medicine, run by the United States National Academy of Sciences, concluded that nausea, appetite loss, pain and anxiety can be mitigated by the use of medical marijuana.

“These are afflictions that affect nearly every person in Michigan,” said Dr. Duke Stoner, director of MCC’s Medicinal Marijuana Program. “There is a lot of potential to make medical marijuana a leading industry in our state and we have plenty of qualified students."

The program’s first 420 students started classes on Monday.

“It’s been interesting, but I didn’t know there was going to be so much paperwork,” said Ziggy Zagreb, a student in the Joint Rolling 101 class.

Bud Lightner opted for the sculpture and glass blowing class.

“I was always good at making things in art class in high school,” Lightner said. “Now, I can make things people will actually buy and use.”

Several students have opted out of some of the basic classes based on professional experience, but are finding the program’s more advanced classes helpful.

“I already have a large client base, but my neighbors are always calling the cops on me because my customers stop by all hours of the day and night,” said Andre Chong, a street pharmaceutical rep. “Now, I’m finding about all kinds of ways I can turn my customers into patients.”

Based on the promise of a positive impact on the state’s economy through this program,” Gov. Jennifer Granholm is scheduled to announce the state’s No Stoner Left Behind scholarship program at a press conference tomorrow.

“Not only will medical marijuana have a positive impact on the state’s economy, we’ll also be able to put thousands of people with no other marketable job skills to work at lucrative wages,” said Debbie Nichol-Bagg, spokesperson for the governor.

Greenfield Village visitors relive Reagan years in "Destination '80s"

2010-08-25T15:32:00.003-04:00

By: Nick Marinello
Dearborn, Michigan

Long known as a popular field trip destination for children and history buffs alike, Greenfield Village recently unveiled a new destination for its visitors. Last weekend the popular historical park in Dearborn opened the doors on their recent $30 million, two-acre addition: Destination ‘80s.

Saturday, with hundreds of visitors on hand, park Director Walter Liebermann cut the ribbon.

"It's a big change for us," Liebermann explained. "Until now we have never ventured beyond the early 1920s, but you can only churn so much butter, am I right?"

The new area of the park will focus on America in the time period between 1980 and 1989.

"It was a very dynamic time in the US; we think that kids today will find this new section to be very educational,” adds Liebermann.

The new section boasts several new attractions visitors can enjoy, including: “Greed is Good: The Race to the Top," “Crack Attack” and “Soviet Detente,” where park goers get to negotiate with an increasingly unpredictable and decrepit former super power.

Seven-year-old Steven Thomas enjoyed his time as a Wall Street tycoon. “I got to pretend that I was a rich investor who wants to take over a company," Steven said. "I use leveraged assets to acquire a controlling interest in the company’s equity and used the assets from the company as collateral for the borrowed capital. It was so much fun. I’m gonna go issue some junk bonds next.”

Thomas wasn’t the only one who enjoyed his time, 13-year-old Michaela Johnson especially enjoyed the AIDS hysteria simulator. “You had to guess all of the ways that people in the 80s thought they could get AIDS; I guessed, using the same plate, watching the same TV, and listening to George Michael’s music. I was right! It was so much fun”

Village Historian Terry Fiorello explained some of the rationale behind the new addition.

“These kids have little sense of this era in American History. We want to take them back to a time when Donald Trump wasn’t just a reality star and The Karate Kid was a white guy. This exhibit helps today’s kids to connect with what it meant to live in the ‘80s -- ruthless self-centeredness and really big hair."

Greenfield Village is known for their authentic recreation of period clothing and items as well as their staff who dress and live as if they were from a specific time period and Destination 80’s is no different.

Docents in acid washed, penny rolled, Jordache jeans and Lycra unitards with leg warmers and head bands transport the guests back to the time of “Let’s Get Physical” and “Just Say No.”

According to promotional materials on Greenfield Village's website, "If you’re looking for a bitchin’ experience that is totally mega. Motor down to Greenfield Village and relive the 80’s today, dude!"

Panera to open 'steal-what-you-wish' location on Detroit's east side

2010-08-25T08:45:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Detroit, Michigan

Having encountered success with experimental locations where patrons have the option to pay what they wish, The Panera Bread Company has chosen Detroit to test it's latest concept.

The new store will feature an progressive system where larceners can steal-what-they-wish from the store's registers, without the need to threaten bodily harm or run afoul of local law enforcement.

"That isn't to say that we'd like everyone who patronizes our restaurant to steal from us," admits James Castenda, Regional Manager for Panera Bread. "We simply understand that robbery is a business reality, so we'd like to minimize losses in the long term, while balancing the safety and stability of our restaurant experience."

Unlike similar 'pay-what-you-wish' locations in St. Louis, the Devonshire Road and Warren Avenue location will feature a fixed-price menu, but a separate cashier for bandits hoping to make their scores.

Robbers are simply asked to wait in a special line until a cashier politely asks them how much they would like to steal today. Typical heists at similar restaurants can net purloiners anywhere between $200 and $1,500, so the company has capped the theft limit at $1,250.

The location's General Manager, Jasmin Clark says that they've been pleasantly surprised by the pragmatic requests coming from local thieves.

"We all thought everyone would come in and demand the maximum amount. But most of these guys just take what they need. Sometimes they just gotta hit that rock, or prevent their houses from being taken away by the bank."

Panera has also been pleased by the amount of self-regulation by the bandits. In rare cases where plunderers will demand outrageous amounts of money, those in line behind them will typically speak up and shame the over-reacher, demanding that his or her request be amended to something more reasonable. This is all done without the threat of violence.

"Our cashiers feel safer about our zero-tolerance policy for weapons and abusive language," says Panera Shift Manager Myron Chavez. "I've been working in retail and quick-service restaurants for over ten years, so I'm no stranger to robberies. This is the way to do it."

The location has also increased it's customer base dramatically, by offering stickup artists the opportunity to stay and enjoy a meal.

"Usually you need to be in and out of a place quick enough to prevent the cops from getting too close," says Joe Sills, a recent patron and Crystal Methamphetamine addict. "I've never been able to grab some cash and then stick around for a delicious Frontega Chicken Panini. After all, this is a restaurant."

JaMarcus Knight, a local thug and low-level drug dealer, says the cafe menu has won him over.

"I come in for a few hundred dollars, but I stay for the Napa Almond Chicken Salad. This shit's off the hook."

Birmingham Street Hockey Festival causes Dream Cruise delays

2010-08-23T08:42:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Birmingham, Michigan

In what local event planners are referring to as "an unfortunate case of overlap," the Birmingham Street Hockey Festival took place this weekend amidst the Woodward Dream Cruise.

Birmingham's annual celebration of shin guards, roller blades and orange rubber balls caused significant delays and frustration for local car enthusiasts who blitzed Woodward this weekend for a chance to relive their automotive pasts.

The 9th Annual Street Hockey Festival took place in front of Birmingham's Poppelton Park, closing down north and southbound Woodward for a half mile stretch in almost the geographic center of the Dream Cruise route.

Classic cars were rerouted through post Birmingham neighborhoods as blue-collar gear-heads invaded quiet side streets to catch a glimpse at the cruise's offerings.

Paul Tabor, Director of the Birmingham Street Hockey Festival, admits that his group understands the irony of the timing. But don't expect any apologies.

"It's the Street Hockey Festival, not the Parking Lot hockey festival," he reminds everyone. "We filed our permits first and we have every right to have an event."

As dozens of pavement hockey fans watched the Round Robin tournament unfold, thousands of angry motorists and dream cruise fans were left confused and dismayed by the hastily-prepared detour.

Several teams tried to extend olive branches to dream cruisers in true street hockey fashion by removing their nets and heading for the curb when cars approached. But contests were overrun with traffic before anyone could yell, "Game On!"

"All of us felt bad and there sure were a lot of people upset," recalls Brian Montenegro with the 2010 Champion Royal Oak Rollers. "But they took advantage of our attempt to compromise and before we knew it, cars on Woodward were whizzing with no breaks or opportunities for us to continue play."

"Our second match of the day took over four hours," added the Rollers Forward.

Traffic backups stretching all the way down to Comerica Park, along with inclement weather dampened the spirits of dream cruise participants. But organizers from both events vowed to plan a little wiser in years to come.

Despite the hard lessons learned during this year's debacle, organizers for the Shannon M. Doherty 5K Race/Walk for Irritable Bowel Syndrome currently have a large swath of Woodward Avenue reserved for their event at the same time as the proposed 2011 Dream Cruise.

A spokesperson for the event said they'd be more than happy to consider another weekend, but they have already reserved over two hundred portable toilets for next year's participants.

Medieval weapons, seige engines to be allowed at 2010 Arts, Beats and Eats

2010-08-18T09:13:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Royal Oak, Michigan

A recent Royal Oak City Commission decision reversed a previous ban and will allow handgun owners to carry their weapons freely during the upcoming Arts, Beats and Eats outdoor festival.

This landmark decision has also paved the way for a variety of antique and novelty weapons enthusiasts to enjoy the same 2nd Amendment protections without fear of confiscation or harassment by public safety officials.

"This is most welcome news!" harks fifty three year-old classical weapons and Renaissance history enthusiast Finley P. Hargreaves.

"My fellow noblemen and I shall welcome the opportunity to protect the fair citizens of Royal Oak from crude thugs and roaming pillagers" pledged Hargreaves, brandishing an eight-foot long calvary lance.

Royal Oak Police Spokesperson Marcus Eckles explains that the inclusion of classical weaponry from the ban lift is meant to provide a more open and equitable environment for event patrons. But he warns Hoplologists that not everything will be allowed.

"We have some restrictions in place in order to ensure the safety of the general public," admits Eckles. "First of all, all composite bows or ranged calvary weapons with an effective distance of over 100 paces will not be permitted. This means you should leave your crossbows, pilum, chakram, or slings with projectiles weighing more than 12 tower ounces at home"

With large crowds expected in close quarters, Eckles also cautioned visitors against some melee weapons.

"You have you realize that you'll be walking around in a sea of people. So, let's be careful about curved and ornate blades and bludgeons. You'll probably be okay with your standard clubs, war hammers and most straight swords, so long as it's blunt and attached to a sheath or quiver. But let's think twice about maces, flails and scimitars. There's going to be little kids running around and we don't want a lot of jagged points dangling from your person."

Spear and polearm-type weapons, Eckles adds, are also permitted as long as the length with the bladed edge does not exceed two meters long. However, Halberds are not allowed under any circumstance.

The City Commission's ruling, on the other hand, contains less definite rules on siege weapons, especially those powered by beasts of burden.

"Pulled trebuchets are permissible so long as the owner agrees to pick up the animals excrement, " explains Eckles. "However, there is a city ordinance banning horned bovine. So if your ballista, catapult or battering ram is pulled by oxen, you're going to have to rig a different animal."

The council will meet again later this week to discuss allowing chemical and biological weapons to be carried openly during during the weekend celebration.

Stephen Yazzie, who frequents downtown Royal Oak on most nights wearing a bandoleer filled with viles of anthrax meant to ward off would-be muggers, says he's "most encouraged" by the upcoming discussion.

"You know there are going to be bad guys there with all sorts of contagions," reminds Yazzie. "I'm glad that the City of Royal Oak finally realizes that the safest Arts, Beats and Eats is one where everyone is carrying bio-weapons to protect ourselves, as is our constitutional right."

Honda's 'Mr. Opportunity' wounded in gangland assassination attempt

2010-08-16T09:02:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Royal Oak, Michigan

A summer of escalating automotive advertising violence has culminated in the execution-style shooting of Honda's animated pitchman, Mr. Opportunity. The famed, cartoonish spokesperson was on location in Michigan filming a spot for the Metro Detroit Honda Dealer Association when he was shot several times by a masked assailant.

A power vacuum left in the wake of Toyota's recent public relations struggles have given smaller import automotive families a chance to muscle their way into bigger pieces of the car sales action.

The normally quiet Summer Sales Event season turned violent in recent weeks as competition for ad space remains stiff.

Automotive Marketing and Organized Crime Expert Jacabo Delluci believes the recent attempt on 'Mr. O' is a message to the larger families.

"The Honda Syndicate has always been a major player in retail advertising during the summer months, making it very difficult for smaller companies to break through the clutter," explains Delluci. "Mr. Opportunity has been relentless in his ad production this summer, trying to take advantage of Toyota's troubles to increase their market share. There are some who feel Honda is being greedy with the amount of advertising they're doing. To smaller families it's a sign of disrespect."

Delluci believes a recent meeting between emissaries from Honda, Kia, Nissan and Mitsubishi ended in a shouting match between Mr. Opportunity and representatives from the Kia Family. Kia associates believed Honda was not being fair with their advertising plans. Mr. Opportunity scoffed at the notion that there was plenty of action to go around and threatened the other families if they interfered with their plans to gain market share.

"Kia's obvious displeasure with the sit-down, coupled with the rising popularity of their Soul model make them the likely aggressors," says Delluci.

Antone "Furry" Fresh (Black) with DJ Hamsterdam (Red)

Kia has made significant gains in key youth demographics, allowing them to recruit from more economically-depressed urban areas. The investigation has focused on Kia spokes-rodents Antone "Furry" Fresh and DJ Hamsterdam, whose whereabouts could not be accounted for at the time of the shooting.

"There's a lot of circumstantial evidence to support the Kia Crew's involvement," admits Delluci "Fresh and Hamsterdam are popular figures, but questions have arisen regarding their street credit. Popping their cherries by clipping Mr. O would definitely help them in that department."

As the investigation unfolds, Mr. Opportunity remains in stable but serious condition at St. John's Hospital in Royal Oak. Honda family representatives have vowed swift and merciless retaliation while Mr. O himself reminds everyone that you can lease a new Civic for just $139 a month with only $999 due at signing.

WDIV unveils Doppler Beta HD 3-D Maximum 4000 Nano-Cast 2.0

2010-08-04T08:50:00.003-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Detroit, Michigan

In a move that is sure to assuage the weather-related fears of Metro Detroiters after a very active summer storm season, WDIV Local 4 News recently launched its new flagship radar system: Doppler Beta HD 3-D Maximum 4000.

The Doppler Beta HD 3-D Maximum 4000 will be used along with the station's new "Hyper Accurate" Nano-Cast 2.0 forecasting system, which contains an impressive array of futuristic-looking graphics and sound effects.

Wearing rolled up sleeves to underline how hard Channel 4 Meteorologists are working for Metro Detroit, Chuck Gaidica -- WDIV's Chief Meteorologist -- talked about the new radar and how it will keep everyone safe.

"Doppler Beta HD 3-D Maximum 4000 is Michigan's only high definition weather radar, allowing us to see inside a thunderstorm like never before," boasted Gaidica amidst a sea of monitors displaying current radar loops and stock footage of severe thunderstorms.

Doppler Beta HD 3-D Maximum 4000 was originally designed to detect incoming Soviet submarine-launched ballistic missiles and was recently re-purposed for civilian use after declassification of Cold War-era military technologies.

The radar's dome is so large and powerful that it reportedly causes nearby electronic devices to malfunction during use.

"Every time they turn on that radar machine, my microwave goes on the fritz and my skin feels warm" says nearby resident Dennis McBride. "But it's a small price to pay for something that can keep us out of a path of a tornado."

WDIV recommends that small animals and children remain indoors when Doppler Beta HD 3-D Maximum 4000 is in use, to prevent possible birth defects and disorientation.

"Keeping your family safe if our number one priority at WDIV," explains Station General Manager Marla Drutz. "That's why we will be providing residents in a six block radius with ClickOnDetroit.com radiation absorbing helmets for use during Local News Mornings from 4:30am until 7am, Local 4 News at Noon, Local 4 News at 4, 5 and 6 and Local 4 News at 11."

But the radar is just half of it, explains "Local 4Caster" Andrew Humphrey. The station's new Nano Cast 2.0 will also revolutionize how Metro Detroiters get their up-to-the-second, life-saving weather information.

"Nano Cast 2.0, along with the 3-D scanning of the Maximum 4000, means that we can extrapolate conditions on the ground anywhere in the tri-county area. This means you can keep your family safe and tuned to Channel 4 during weather events, instead of risking your life to see current conditions for yourself."

"Viewers can also sign up on ClickOnDetroit.com to receive via text or tweet breaking weather alerts and updates on how safe their neighborhoods are from severe weather attacks," adds Gaidica.

Doppler Beta HD 3-D Maximum 4000's Nano-Cast 2.0 also adds another color to the radar display: Dark Red.

"Dark red can only be picked up using our state-of-the-art Doppler Beta HD 3-D Maximum 4000 and show areas where you and your family might be at increased risk of severe weather," says Gaidica.

Doppler Beta HD 3-D Maximum 4000 and Nano-Cast 2.0 are set to be unveiled on-air next Monday on Local 4 News at 5 directly following "Chuck's Backyard Barbeque," "Bernie's Video Arcade" and a "Local 4 Defenders/Ruth to the Rescue" segment on the dangers of organic milk products, with special guest Dr. Frank McGeorge.

Michigan passes on half-assed Adam Sandler production

2010-07-26T09:11:00.001-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Lansing, Michigan

This morning, officials with the Michigan Film Office bravely denied shooting permits to representatives of Adam Sandler's movie production company 'Happy Madison' despite lucrative financial and employment benefits to the state.

The permit denial will spare Metro Detroiters the pain and embarrassment of being associated with Sandler's latest hackneyed and hastily-written comedic folley, "Just Us Guys."

Just Us Guys stars Sandler, Kevin James and David Spade as three college roommates who get lost at sea during a reunion fishing trip. Mercifully, the film will not shot on location in Lake Saint Clair, as was originally planned.

Mike Bethea with the Michigan Film Office heard the pitch and said he had a civic duty to distance the state from the production.

"Even the people in the meeting who were trying to rationalize the lack of a plot seemed genuinely tired and unenthusiastic. It's essentially ninety minutes of 'Master Baiter' jokes and pooping in the water."

"We all got the impression that they were just going through the motions with this film," remembers Chrystal Dempsey with the MFO. "That really scared us, considering that they kept saying how much effort they put into Grown Ups and I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry. Michigan doesn't need this."

Community leaders in Saint Clair Shores, which would have been the main location for shooting, were thrilled that the puerile effort would not be filmed in their city.

"[Adam] Sandler's people kept telling us about all of the improvements they'd make to the lakefront and the boost to local business that would come along with it," explains Mayor Pro-tem David Rubello. "But we all agreed that layoffs and tax increases were a better option for economic stabilization."

"It's not worth the shame," he added.

Instead, the meandering, exhausted instant critical failure will be shot on the Lake Erie shoreline in Ohio. The state required Cincinnati native daughter and haggard Sex and the City 2 Star Sarah Jessica Parker to appear in the film, trampling what little appeal the debacle would have had.

Search for Detroit’s next top cop extends from New York to LA

2010-07-23T09:05:00.000-04:00

By: Bonnie Brooke
Detroit, Michigan

Following the abrupt resignation of Warren Evans as Detroit’s police chief, the City of Detroit is embarking on a nationwide search for his replacement, which has literally attracted top cops from New York City to Los Angeles.

Former New York City Police Detective Bobby Goren is said to be eyeing Detroit for a return to law enforcement. Goren, the top closer of the New York Police Department’s Major Case Squad, made a name for himself for knowing absolutely everything about everything.

“He’s an incredibly smart man and probably has the brainpower of the entire Detroit Police Department combined,” said Ben Willmore, member of the Police Chief Talent Search Team. “That kind of intelligence can go a long way for us. On the other hand, he’s not exactly a people person and his unorthodox professional style might be problematic.”

Goren was fired from the NYPD by his former partner, Alexandra Eames, this past March.

Detroit Police Detective Axel Foley is said to be a wild card. Despite keeping a low profile for the past 16 years after helping to solve three high-profile crimes in Beverly Hills, Calif., Foley says he’s ready to return to the limelight.

“Police work ain’t no big thing,” Foley said. “That banana in the tailpipe trick works every time. It’s a sure-fire way to get every drive-by shooter, drunk driver and speeder off the road. And if they try it on me, let ’em. I’m still driving that crappy blue Chevy Nova.”

Not currently in the running but aggressively courted by the Talent Search Team is highly-acclaimed federal agent, Jack Bauer.

“If this man can single-handedly stop an assassination attempt on the president; thwart nuclear, biological and chemical attacks; and cyber anarchy in a 24-hour time period, there’s no telling what he could do for the City of Detroit in 24 days, let alone 24 months,” Willmore said.

Poll indicates voters torn between 'that one guy,' the dork,' and Mark Crocks

2010-07-21T08:53:00.002-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Lansing, Michigan

As temperatures rise throughout the state, so do the stakes for the upcoming gubernatorial election in November.

With just two weeks ahead of the August 3rd primaries, a recent poll conducted by The Motor City Malcontent and DancingBallotGorilla.ru indicate that 'the one dude' has made up significant ground against State 'something' Mark Crocks.

Of the 1,000 likely voters surveyed, and of the 38 likely voters that were aware of the upcoming election, 58% indicated they really liked what 'that one fella'' had to say in a recent, un-recallable news article or TV appearance.

"What he said about reinventing the state while transitioning our taxes and making government more accountable, really made me think," recalls an anonymous respondent, who also commented on the candidate's tan.

Another respondent was energized by the 'dorky guy,' indicating his business acumen was just what the state needs. "Michigan isn't Wall Street, it's Main Street. That dorky guy really drove that point home. If he can run a business, he can run a state. Rick Sanders has my vote!"

The 'Lansing Guy,' 'State Something' Mark Crocks saw a double digit lead over 'that one guy' dwindle in recent days.

"Mark Crocks killed that stripper at Kwame's bachelor party," asserted one respondent, adding "I don't think we need someone like that running the state. I'm voting for the other guy."

Fifty-five percent of respondents surveyed indicated that they were going to vote for the other guy, the vast majority of those people saying that they couldn't bare to see term-limited Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm get elected again.

However the identity of 'that one guy' has pollsters in a frenzy and combing through open-ended responses.

"We have indications from survey participants that this could mean anyone from Carl Levin to Barack Obama," explains Florian Moench of the Michigan Think Tank Alliance. "It's really anyone's race now."

Texting not the only distraction in Troy

2010-07-19T09:14:00.000-04:00

By: Minnie Cooper
Troy, Michigan

Police in Troy have been in full force pulling people over to educate them on the city’s new distracted driving ordinance that goes into effect July 29 by issuing warnings to 432 drivers yesterday.

“Despite all of the negative publicity we received over this matter, apparently it hasn’t been enough to educate drivers on what we consider distracted driving,” Troy Police Sgt. Duncan Donetz said.

Troy is the first city to expand on the state’s new texting while driving law. The new ordinance is designed to create holy hell for drivers who insist they can safely steer a car with their wrists, elbows and knees while doing things such as gluing on false eyelashes, practicing Bruce Lee numchuck moves, and reading the Motor City Malcontent as well as texting and talking on cell phones.

A six-month-long, $600,000 informal research study conducted internally within the police department found that texting only comprised a small percentage of distracted driving habits officers claimed to have seen or predicted they probably will see on the road.

“Texting isn’t the only hazard on the roads,” Donetz said. “We spent a considerable amount of time brainstorming ways drivers could be distracted on the road.

Surprisingly, texting only accounted for 4 percent of imagined distracted driving incidents. Sexting followed close behind at 8 percent.

“I remember how shocked we all were when we read the ‘Bloomfield Hills teen caught sexting while driving’ story in the Motor City Malcontent in March,” Donetz said.

Smashing an iPhone 4G on the dashboard after a dropped call was believed to be the most common reason for distracted driving at 25 percent, followed by smacking kids at 24 percent, eating a four-course carry-out from the Capital Grille at 21 percent, and reading the Motor City Malcontent at 10 percent. "Other" accounted for other possible offenses.

"It's impossible to predict everything we might see someone doing behind the wheel," Donetz said.

Southfield attorney Jamal Bernstein was warned by on officer on I-75 while he was searching for ambulances on his iPhone app.

“I am fully aware of the dangers of distracted driving; automobile accidents and police harassment are my specialties,” Bernstein said. “Luckily, I have the Bernstein advantage.”

Even the Troy Police are not immune to the city’s new ordinance.

Officer Dick Fuchsbutz was given a warning by a fellow officer while downing two raspberry jelly donuts and steering with his penis while on patrol.

“Since we started this contest … errr, education program, it doesn’t leave me a lot of time to be on top of my game,” Fuchsbutz said. “I had to skip lunch in order to patrol the roads and update the department’s Facebook page.”

Some have accused the city of instituting a money grab in order to make up for its diminishing tax revenue.

“That is absolutely not true,” Donetz said. “It’s true that we’ve lost a number of positions in our department with the latest city budget cuts, but we figured if we can discourage motorists from driving on our roads, we’ll have more time to apprehend serious criminals.”

DMC iPhone app gives users expected survival times after assault

2010-06-14T08:50:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Detroit, Michigan

The Detroit Medical Center took another step forward as a leader in communication and patient care this morning with the unveiling of a new iPhone app for city residents.

"We all know Detroit has it's share of shady corners and back alleys," admits DMC Communications Director Emery King. "Which is why we're proud to offer a new smart phone application that will assuage the fears of residents and visitors alike, while promoting critical care in a time of need."

The DMC's eMergency app was designed by a team of emergency care and triage health practitioners and allows users to see their expected survival times in the event of a myriad of assaults.

"Users are prompted with a series of questions, the responses to which we use to determine their status" explains Dr. Jason Lemus of the DMC. "This can include anything from blood loss rate, to stab or gunshot wound location, to dizziness in the event of blows to the head."

The application then uses a computer algorithm, based off the patient's responses, to determine a worst-case scenario expected survival time. Users can then choose the closest DMC hospital and get GPS navigated directions and real-life emergency room wait times.

"It really puts the victim in control of the situation," explains Emery King. "If you have a gunshot wound to the abdomen you might want to get to the closest DMC hospital, regardless of the wait time. But let's say it was just a simple laceration from a not-too-deep knife attack, you might have a better chance at say, Sinai-Grace as opposed to Detroit Receiving if the wait time is shorter."

The eMergency app will be available on iTunes just in time for the Comerica Tastefest at the end of June, where random assaults have been on the rise since 1998.

Horrible call promotes "phone-ball" throwing outbreak

2010-06-10T10:30:00.000-04:00

By: BeBot
Detroit, Michigan

American League umpire Jim Joyce made arguably one of the worst calls in Major League Baseball history. In an attempt to complete his perfect game, Armando Galarraga faced his last batter. The pitch was thrown and the batter grounded towards second base, Miguel Cabrera released from first base to scoop it up and Galarraga covered the base to complete his historic performance. Cabrera made a perfect throw to first base - and umpire Joyce called the runner safe!?

Upon review of the replay, the runner was clearly out. Jim Joyce single handedly robbed Galarraga of a perfect game. The fans at Comerica Park scowled and hissed at the umpire, who stood there and took it like a death row inmate about to receive his lethal injections in front of his victim's family.

As soon as this travesty occurred, the text messages exploded. So much in fact, Sprint customers experienced a freak incident. Because Sprint can only handle a certain amount of data to be digitally exchanged at once, this overload caused phones to melt.

Sprint cell phones across metro Detroit melted in people's hands, in their laps while they drove, in pockets as they made there way out of the bar, and blue tooth ear pieces melted and leaked into their brain.

This united phenomenon is being compared to all the plumbing that had backed up after the last episode of M.A.S.H. ended when everyone got up to use the bathroom at the same time.

So far sixteen deaths have been reported due to phone melting. Angry Sprint customers balled up their melted phones like plastic snow balls and chucked them at oncoming traffic causing accidents on all major highways heading in and out of Detroit.

Melting phone victims exited Detroit Beer Co. in downtown Detroit engaging in a vicious "phone-ball" battle. Eight deaths and six serious injuries were reported, including an innocent bystander that was impaled near his temple. Recalling the surreal situation, in a slight haze he remembered, "I saw the balled up phone coming at me, the only reason I didn't move out of the way is because I was checking my iPhone to see if there was an app that could defend flying 'phone-balls' - it doesn't".

Sources tell us that Apple is in the process of creating this apparently necessary phone application.

After this horrible ending to a great game, the only conclusion that makes any sense is: Detroit just can't win...even when we win.

Sinkhole in Detroit Opens Portal to Hell

2010-06-08T21:37:00.008-04:00

By: Mike Markarian
Detroit, Michigan

It looks as though all those who claimed that Detroit has been going to Hell over the years were right; at least partly. Workers for the Detroit sewer system unknowingly opened a portal to the Netherworld located at the bottom of a sinkhole on Lafayette Monday morning. The workers discovered the gateway at 9:22 AM and by 10:00 AM ghouls, demons and hell spawns of every imaginable variety were spilliing into the city faster than oil into the Gulf of Mexico.

However, few citizens or members of the police seemed alarmed, when asked for a statement one DPD officer responded "Please this is Detroit baby, I've seen a lot worse than this, and I mean a LOT worse!" It looks as though the policeman was right because by Wednesday the flow of demons into the city had all but stopped after reports that many had become victims of violence on the city streets.

By Friday many underworld creatures began to leave the city in a mass exodus after reports that nearly half of all the hellions had perished when caught in the crossfire of gang-related turf wars. The few remaining surviors have now been reduced to a life of prostitution and drug abuse. Reports also leave the city alleging that the nototious "Hounds of Hell" have been seen across the city in back alley dog fighting events.

Most demonic creatures have now returned through the portal from whence they came while a scattered few have fled to the suburbs in search of safety. One demon when asked about his visit to Michigan said "This has been one rough week, I feel like I've been through Detroit and back" before slithering his way through the portal and back into the fiery bowels of Hell.

By the following Monday the portal had begun to close and at midnight it closed completely but not before a note was delivered. Written in blood and addresses to one Detroiter in particular, it read simply:

Dear Kwame,

We'll see you soon.

-Satan

Detroit boasts 27% fourth-grade literacy rate in recent test

2010-05-21T09:03:00.001-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Detroit, Michigan

The Detroit Public School Board, along with dozens of community activists staged a pep rally outside the DPS Administration Offices to celebrate the district's performance in the recent Trial Urban District Assessment.

"My brothers and sisters," began Anthony Adams, DPS Board Vice-President. "The hearts of the board and of the community are filled with pride today as we announce that over one-quarter of our district's fourth graders rated at, or slightly above basic reading proficiency in a recent government-administered exam!"

The crowd erupted into cheers as semi-literate students were hoisted on the backs of their proud parents. Adams announced an early summer dismissal for all DPS students in recognition and celebration of their accomplishments.

"You've proven the state, region and country wrong and have demonstrated once and for all that the Detroit Public School system is thriving in spite of interference from outsiders!" added the school board veteran.

School officials went about dispersing complimentary Cedar Point family passes as a reward for their accomplishment.

"It's just a little something from the school district to say 'thank you' for making the nay-sayers eat their words," explained DPS board member Annie Carter.

The completely unnecessary, outsider-appointed DPS Overlord Robert Bobb was also present at the festivities. He was noted on several occasions dampening spirits and ruining the moment for residents and their families.

"Am I the only one who noticed that over seventy-three percent of this district's students can't read at a proficient level?" whined the unwanted Bobb. "That makes Detroit students worst in the nation! Does that not bother anyone?"

The belligerent, unwelcome tattle-tale went on to explain that these scores rank in the lowest percentile of the data report.

"He's just trying to scare everyone into thinking we can't handle our own business," sighed Detroit parent Marcus Williams. "Bobb just wants to control our money and tell Detroit residents how to raise our kids."

Local man's inner child gets adult in trouble

2010-05-19T09:29:00.001-04:00

By: BeBot
Farmington, Michigan

In light of last years release of G.I. Joe and the future release of A-Team, men everywhere feel like kids again. The inner child is something to embrace and cherish. Drew Swistak, on paper is 28 years old, but his soul remains at 11. After living with his girlfriend for 5 months, he decided it was time to release his inner child.

"It was strange, I finally moved out of my parent's basement and felt like a man for the first time in my life. Then soon after I move in to my girlfriend's apartment, I turn back into a child", stated Swistak while packing his hand-me-down mini van full of his stuff.

Lynn Baxter, girlfriend of Swistak, attends Oakland University full-time and works 30 hours a week. After a hard shift and even harder test, she came home to her boyfriend playing with his old G.I. Joe action figures while sitting on his Transformers comforter.

Baxter recalls that awkward moment, "I couldn't believe what I saw, I didn't even realize at first what he was doing. When I came to grips, I was so confused that I didn't know what to do; so I threw up a little bit in my mouth".

Although baffled and appalled at the situation, Baxter quietly appreciated the imaginative set-up that her now ex-boyfriend had created. Swistak, using Lego pieces, had built an elaborate fort that the Cobra Commander and his band of villains occupied while plotting ideas of worldwide dominance that the G.I. Joe squad had to infiltrate in attempt to halt their plans.

While Destro was contemplating his role in the evil mission, he looked up on the monitor, which was constructed using a clear green Lego piece that was originally a small window of a spaceship set, and noticed a team led by Duke and Snake Eyes approaching fast. Just as Duke gave the order to Alpine to bust down the door and the intense battle was to begin, Baxter (in real life) barreled through their apartment door like Kramer on every Seinfeld episode.

Swistak was embarrassed and slightly ashamed; possibly due to the fact that he was wearing nothing but a pair of Fraggle Rock underoos when he got caught by his girlfriend. After deliberating with her closest friends, Baxter gave her then boyfriend some of her own orders - to pack up his belongings and move back home. On his way out, Swistak said nothing to his former girlfriend, but his inner child did stick his tongue out at her.

DMC opens new vampire cardiac diagnostic and treatment center

2010-05-17T08:54:00.000-04:00

By: Doug Baconpie
Detroit, Michigan

Hundreds of vampires die each year in the Detroit Metropolitan area, most quite unnecessarily due to massive cardiac failure caused by large wooden stakes being plunged into their hearts by their vengeful victims.

The new Vampire Cardiac Diagnostic and Treatment Center that opened on the DMC campus this month has as its goal to reduce this figure by at least 50 percent.

The key to attaining this lofty objective is to focus on prevention. The uphill battle that doctors face is to break a lifetime of bad habits that have been ingrained over many hundreds of years.

“We have several programs that we run through the new center,” Dr. Scott Brown explains, “we teach things like finding better hiding places during the day while the vampire sleeps in its coffin. Most hate-filled villagers and vampire hunters concentrate their efforts on where the vampire is known to live. We train our patients to sleep in more out of the way unexpected places like in one of the several abandoned buildings in the Downtown Detroit area. Orphanage basements are also good.”

Vampires are additionally taught to wear protective gear like wooden stake proof vests. Something as simple as a spiteful villager resistant lock on the coffin can also be very effective in saving the lives of the satanic undead.

The Center has also been pioneering a new cutting-edge technique where the vampire cons its victims and their families into not hating them as much. They are taught to act and dress sexier so that their cruel exploits are overlooked and the desire to kill them is reduced dramatically.

Only time will tell if the demonic beasts will be sporting less morning wood due to the DMC’s new project but Dr. Brown sums things up on a hopeful note. “Even if just one vampire is saved it will be well worth the massive expenditure of taxpayer’s matching funding.”

Inspired by Arizona, Michigan politicians draft bill targeting illegal canadian immigrants

2010-05-14T09:13:00.005-04:00

By: Mike Markarian
Detroit, Michigan

Michigan politicians recently completed legislation that is aimed to help stem the flow of illegal Canadians across the border and into Michigan.

The bill, which was passed unanimously and in record time in the state House of Representatives, is currently on its way to the floor of the state Senate. It is expected to be received with open arms and quickly sent to Governor Granholm for signing.

The bill calls for all citizens resembling Canadians to provide proof of citizenship or risk deportation. The bill also allows funding for the construction of an electrified fence patrolled by heavily-armed and highly-skilled paramilitary forces.

Unlike similar legislation in Arizona, Michigan's bill received overwhelming support due in large part to the recent ascension of the Montreal Canadiens to the NHL Western Conference Finals. Supporters across the state, country and world demonstrated in the thousands in East Lansing to show support while the bill was on the House floor.

In an interview, Representative Mike Rogers (R-Brighton) was amazed by the public support. “I’ve never seen this much overwhelming support for something before, you’d think we legalized pot or something!”

With signs and posters such as “F*$% the Canucks” and “The only Good Canadian is a Dead Canadian” held high the supporters tailgated and partied for hours outside the capital building. Eventually violence erupted when confrontation occurred between supporters and angry Canadian immigrants.

The Canadians, led by Bill Hamden were protesting the legislation for being what he deemed “Racist and Ignorant” and tempers quickly flared.

Capitol police were called in and descended into the crowd with attack dogs and clubs quickly bludgeoning any Canadian in sight and whisking American citizens to safety. When the smoke settled, 18 bloodthirsty Canadian protesters and 3 innocent Michigan bystanders were treated for injuries. Lansing Police hailed the crackdown as “A Success for all Americans”.

The only possible roadblock on the way to passage is the desk of Canadian-born Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm.

When asked about the bill Granholm was blunt, “Although Canadians fulfill the worst work possible and constitute the lowest class in our society, it would be hard to find someone who would say they would like to keep them around legally let alone illegally. Bottom line is we don’t want them in our neighborhoods, schools, or churches."

"Oh, and one more thing," added the Governor, "They smell like shit!”

Tech-centric think tank proposes major changes to Detroit

2010-05-12T13:10:00.001-04:00

By: Steve Traynor
Detroit, Michigan

A newly established, technology focused think tank is offering the city of Detroit an operational model for reinvention of the city. They feel that this idea is a realistic cure for the city's current economic and operational challenges.

The group called Detroiter's Offering Realistic Community Solutions or DORCS, feels that the best overall solution would be to change the functional and operational structure of Detroit to one exactly like the popular computer game Sim City.

DORCS feel that the change over would increase efficiencies, limit operating costs, create several new technology jobs and eliminate all undesirable elements to the city as they see them with the push of the 'delete' key.

"We are still working through various issues of residential displacement, lack of viable economic infrastructure and the capricious whims of zealous game players," said DORCS Executive Director Melivin McNichols.

When asked to comment, Mayor Bing responded, "While the idea is interesting and all things have to be considered in this economic environment, I am still somewhat cautious taking suggestions from a group composed mostly of dorks."

Local fried hot dog creation to compete with KFC "Double Down"

2010-05-10T09:00:00.001-04:00

By: Doug Baconpie
Wyandotte, Michigan

When Dewey Larkin, manager of a Down River Coney Island, learned of Kentucky Fried Chicken’s latest sandwich he was overcome with envy. The new “Double Down”, which uses two fried chicken filets instead of buns, was a much greater crime against humanity than anything he had on his own menu.

The bar had definitely been raised/lowered,. No longer would over-processed pork product swimming in artery clogging Coney sauce be enough, so Dewey set to work doing some R&D in his kitchen.

At first he tried the obvious, deep frying the hotdogs with french fries, wrapping the dogs with bacon then deep frying them and adding several layers of cheese. But all of these early incarnations lacked a certain special something.

“Everything I came up with in the first month just seemed like misdemeanors to your health,” Dewey recalls. “What I was really searching for was a felony of the first degree.”

After hours of hard work and several square inches of hot oil burns, Dewey was finally hit square upside the head by an inspiration fairy that had apparently been on a three day bender. The resulting masterpiece is already legendary in three counties.

“I start with a stick of butter in a hot dog bun that has been marinating in egg yellows for two hours,” Dewey excitedly explains as he describes his ‘baby’. “Then I add into it several strips of bacon that are tightly rolled up to look like a hot dog. I fry the whole mess up, then I add crushed up potato chips and doughnut chunks, re-fry it, then I ladle on a mixture of nacho cheese and Coney sauce then I re-fry it once again. I top the whole thing off with a layer of burning cigarettes and behold: 'The Heart Raper!'"

Several of the patrons that I talked to that were still alive all agreed that Dewey was indeed onto something. And with a $2.99 price tag the Coney Island was packed with people knocking on heaven’s door.

One bloated man summed it up best as he lay convulsing violently on the floor in a puddle of his own nauseant, “This new sandwich may rape your heart, but it sure is easy on your wallet!”

Dodge Journey leading the way towards new car names

2010-05-07T09:35:00.000-04:00

By: Steve Traynor
Auburn Hills, Michigan

Inspired by the success of the Dodge Journey, Chrysler officials have hinted that changes in a couple of other vehicle name plates could be soon on the way.

Hoping to invoke a certain hip and cool factor for customers in the age 44 to 59 demographic, possible changes could include the names "Styx" "Foreigner" and "Toto" for several of the cars models as well as "Van Halen" for the redesigned Dodge Caravan.

Reports also confirm that the car maker is under negotiations with rival General Motors for acquiring the name "REO Speedwagon." Still under consideration by the Auburn Hills automaker is the prospect of calling their trendy new subcompact car the "Justin Bieber."

Chrysler spokesperson Steve Perry would not confirm nor deny the rumor at this time.

Justin Verlander throws 126 punch, 8 hit bar fight against White Sox

2010-05-05T10:48:00.001-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Detroit, Michigan

Following their recent 4-3 win over the Chicago White Sox at Comerica Park, several Detroit Tigers retired to Bistro 555 at the Greektown Casino for a late dinner to celebrate their victory.

Lead by ace starting pitcher Justin Verlander, the Tigers happened upon a group of Chicago White Sox who were nursing their narrow defeat with drink at the same establishment.

"We saw a whole group of them at the bar, staring us down as we walked in," recounts Tigers utility man Ryan Raburn. "Every once in a while Ozzie [Guillen] would look over at us, say something and the group would start laughing."

The often-incendiary manager of the White Sox was widely regarded as the instigator of the ruckus, after he "accidentally" spilled a pint of beer on rookie center fielder Austin Jackson, resulting in a fracas.

"Austin went over there to be nice, and then Ozzie called him something impolite in Spanish and threw a beer in his face," recalls Adam Everett, Tigers shortstop. "Then Justin [Verlander], being the fierce competitor that he is, took charge of the situation."

As the melee ensued, Verlander was having trouble keeping his punches up in the zone, resulting in a number of swings-and-misses to White Sox players. Tigers pitching coach Rick Knapp, enjoying dinner with his wife in the same restaurant, was on hand to observe Verlander's performance.

"He was changing speeds and his arm slot very effectively, but he was just having trouble hitting his spots. His deceptive motion came in handy to lefties like Pierzynski and Teahen, so most of his hits came there. But he still needs to work on getting that right hook across to right-handers."

In post-fight interviews, the usually-confident Verlander was happy with everyone's performance.

"I knew I brought my good stuff tonight. But I think the rest of the guys did a tremendous job out there. It was a real team effort. Laird's hit off of Peavy (who left with a broken jaw) was sensational, and that gave our guys the boost we needed to come out on top."

Manager Jim Leyland is concerned over Verlander's hefty punch count.

"Well, you know, Justin's a horse, there's no doubt there. But I'm not a fan of him throwing over 120 punches in less than five minutes. I'd like to see him stay out there a bit longer or be a bit more economical with what he's throwing. We have a whole season's worth of bar fights to think about."

Local man sues Gibraltar Trade Center vendor for rare Babe Ruth cell phone photo

2010-05-03T09:05:00.001-04:00

By: Doug Baconpie
Mount Clemens, Michigan

When Kurt Schwartz returned home from the Gibraltar Trade Center last Saturday he thought he had gotten the deal of a lifetime. Now he’s scratching his head wondering if the “deal” he got was really just a miserable excursion into a reeking vat of self humiliation.

‘The man that sold this to me said it was really rare to get a photo of Babe Ruth talking on the cell phone, let alone finding one that was signed.” Kurt conveyed. “I did some on the spot research using my iPhone and sure enough no matter how much I Googled I never did see a picture of the Sultan of Swat doing such an everyday thing such as talking on a cell phone. Most photos from back then are more staged, showing him swinging a bat and such. It was a really old looking cell phone that didn’t really seem out of place so I jumped on the $500 asking price figuring I was practically stealing it.”

Kurt received a rude surprise when showing off his newly obtained prized possession to one of his friends who noticed that there was a problem with the signature itself.

“At first I thought he was just BS'ing me, like what is he, a Babe Ruth signature expert all of a sudden? Then he calmly pointed out to me that the signature which is right under the ‘Babe Ruth’ sign on the locker misspells ‘Ruth’.”

Fortunately for Mr. Schwartz all problems can be solved through our bloated legal system so if the fly-by-night outfit ever shows up again at Gibraltar he’ll surely be able to sue them for his own stupidity.

DNR Develops Strain of Gangsta Bitch Mermaids to Combat Asian Carp Invasion

2010-04-23T23:45:00.003-04:00

The onslaught of Asian carp into our Great Lakes is thought by some to be inevitable. The pathetic electric barrier at the Chicago Sanitary and Ship Canal has been clearly shown to have been breeched with the discovery of specimens of the huge hungry carp well into Lake Michigan. With no known predators, Michiganders might have to put up with the damn things jumping into their boats with bone crushing force for years to come. Fortunately the Michigan State DNR has come up with a uniquely creative solution.

“The Gangsta Bitch strain of the common mermaid has been doing quite well in our latest field tests,” explains DNR spokesman Scott Brown. “They are very aggressive and very racist as well so when we told them that these carp were not only ugly ass but Asian they went all Scarface on them.”

Detractors, however, are quick to point out that the cure might very well be worse than the disease. “Fishing used to be a great way to get back to nature, a relaxing activity I could share with my sons,” opined avid sportsman James Edelman. “Now a pack of these things will swim up to the boat and try to sell you some crystal meth, or worse beat you with a bicycle chain and take your wallet. They rob you of something worth more than money, they steal your dignity. Plus they usually drink all of your beer while doing it.”

Brown admits that there are still some kinks to be worked out in the plan but he remains optimistic. “Fishermen will just have to learn to start packing some heat when they go out and we are already in the process of setting up a mermaid licensing program so I believe that a new sport will be created that will add a fun new dimension of adventure to the family fishing trip. The bottom line is that we need to protect the Great Lakes $7 billion dollar fishing industry so tough shit.”

Unusual surgery is somewhat of a success

2010-04-13T20:55:00.010-04:00

By BeBot
Lake Odessa, Michigan

When twins are born, it is expected they will have similar tastes in music, movies, hobbies, and pretty much anything else you can think of. That theory holds true with Lamar and Randy Hayfield. These two men, 24, were born just three minutes apart.

Randy was born first, and always jokes about being the older one, which no one ever laughs at anymore. Lamar and Randy devised a plan on their 21st birthday, one that would stir up controversy throughout their family and friends.

"I never even thought this would seriously cross their minds at any point in their lives", stated the twins' mother Kathy. "When I pumped out these two guys into their mother that night at Shitz N' Giggles (alocal hole-in-the-wall bar), I knew right away they were gonna' get into something crazy."

Enjoying each other's company so much in life, the identical twins decided they wanted to become Siamese twins. They saved up money for three years and approached different hospitals to research the possibility of the operation.

"We always watch each other's backs, now we just want to be able to at all times," said Lamar.

Randy agreed and added, "We are going to be the first back-to-back twins; literally."

We spoke with one of the doctors the Hayfield twins visited to inquire about the surgery. When asked what could go wrong, Dr. Bickford replied, "Well, a few years back we separated a set of Siamese twins and after the first incision, a horrible smell overtook us all. It smelled like the floor of an El Camino with old yogurt and vomit on it that was left out in the sun for six days."

Lamar and Randy finally found a doctor willing to perform the operation. After going over specific details and safety requirements during recovery, the doctor told them how much it would cost. Unforeseen to them, it was way more than they assumed it would be. Between the twins in the span of three years, they managed to save up $2,400.

The two dedicated brothers were determined to get this surgery and forever be together, so they paid the $2,400 and settled for a downgrade. Lamar and Randy are now Siamese twins. The doctor removed the left hand of both of the twins and connected them at the wrist. Now if both of them are standing still and facing forward, they can still watch each other's backs at all times just as they planned.

New business venture: The joke's on Riddle

2010-04-11T23:27:00.009-04:00

By Bonnie Brooke
Detroit, Michigan

His ability to be loved by the masses despite is inability to be trusted by many has led embattled political consultant Sam Riddle success down a new career path: purveyor of freshly squeezed Kool Aid.

While munching on an orange, a commodity rare to stores in Detroit, Riddle noticed a familiar taste that reminded him of a favorite drink of his childhood.

"This orange was so sweet and so juicy that it tasted better than any glass of Kool Aid I had as a child," Riddle said. "I figured if I could get this taste out of an orange, imagine what I could get out of lemons, limes, grapes and berries."

Riddle wiped out the inventory of fruit of a St. Clair Shores produce market and spent several days pressing and squeezing his findings.

"It was quite a bit more expensive than buying the packets and bags of sugar from the grocery store, but it tastes so much better," Riddle said.

Riddle's new liquid concoctions has been a hit in Detroit markets, which rarely carry any kind of freshly grown food.

"Hey, if Sam says this stuff tastes better than Kool Aid, then I believe him," said George Milligan, who bought a jug of Riddle's Fresh-Squeezed Kool Aid.

A few, however, were suspicious of Riddle's new business venture.

"This stuff's good, it's pretty expensive and I believe I've had something like this before," said Ted Killington, who sampled Riddle's Fresh-Squeezed Kool Aid. "I'd say his customers are definitely getting juiced."

Tigers See Increased Early Season Attendance Tied To New Promotion

2010-04-10T13:18:00.000-04:00

By Steve Traynor

The Corner of Woodward and Montcalm

With the annual problem of sell out crowds for Opening Day and attendance generally off until after school lets out, The Detroit Tigers are trying a unique promotion that they feel will fill the seats and increase fan loyalty.

Called "Chained To The Chair," random attendees at Opening Day this past Friday were shackled to their seats. Some will be locked down at Comerica Park for a few upcoming games, but the big winner will be forced to endure all 82 home games this season.

Assistant Promotions Coordinator Byron Zeff feels that this is a promotion that appeals to the die hard fan in all of us, "Imagine not missing a game ... calling in sick to work and telling the boss or your spouse that you are in fact truly stuck at a Tiger's game ... what fan wouldn't want to experience this?"

For the specific accommodation of these selected fans, new special usherette uniforms have been designated. While featuring the signature Old English D, these uniforms will be a either a hobble skirt and leather jacket or a cat suit designed from a combination of industrial strength Black Leather and PVC, They will also feature either thigh high boots or stilettos in place of the traditional Nike running shoes. "We have considered getting 'Paws' in to the act, but we couldn't find a Zorro mask big enough," said Zeff.

Included with this promotion is that all participating fans will receive a souvenir replica Baseball ball gag. "Normally these come in red," says Zeff, “but our ball gags will be white with red laces, which is perfect for simulating the same choke job that the Tigers did when they couldn't win one final game last season."

Zeff concedes that this sort of idea of public bondage, humiliation and discipline files squarely in the face of how baseball has traditionally marketed itself as family entertainment. "We have tried Ferris Wheels and fireworks, and that only goes so far," says Zeff, "This year, we want to reach out to more adult fans then ever before. Our market research indicates that there is a demographic of sports fan that enjoys both the torture of BDSM, much like they enjoy the torture of a 162 game season. To me - it's just a perfect combination."

Utica Public Schools to privatize students in 2011

2010-04-07T08:50:00.001-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Utica, Michigan

Facing a $33 million budget deficit for the 2011 school year, the Utica Public School Board recently adopted a proposal that would privatize pupils in grades K-12.

"We took a close look at every conceivable way to cut services without sacrificing the quality of the education our students are receiving," admits UPS Board Member Brenda H. Mayberry. "But we collectively came to the realization that it wouldn't matter how talented our teachers are, or how many dollars actually made it into the classroom. These are the laziest, most ignorant kids we've seen in generations. I think they're the problem, not us."

This surprising claim was recently bolstered by a study conducted by the North Central Association that found that a point of diminishing returns on per pupil funding happens at $893 as opposed to the $7,807 the district currently receives. The study concludes that any additional resources beyond the $900 mark are "not noticed, nor appreciated" by students.

"It doesn't matter how mediated the classrooms, how new the textbooks, or how cutting edge our computer labs are," asserts UPS Board Member Lew Dahlen. "These kids don't care about anything unless it's texting them naked pictures of itself."

Utica's bold new plan calls for discontinued community enrollment. Instead, UPS will pay a stipend of $4,300 a head to the Pupil Management Company "Educare," which employs over 60,000 professional students nationwide.

"Our students are in the 90th percentile in standardized test scores, behavior and athletics," smiles Educare President Kristin Stiltner. "Not only does our company save school districts valuable resources in this cash-strapped economy, but our students will bring hometown pride back to the streets of Utica. Instead of miscreant troublemakers who loiter, steal and inevitably end up in prison; our students are pillars of the community."

"The fact of the matter is, Educare students can learn where our students have not been able to," says Lew Dahlen of the Utica Public School Board "Only they do it better, faster, cheaper and more productively. Our district cannot afford to waste waning resources on kids that don't care enough to pretend they even know what side the United States was on during World War II."

Special interest groups, including the MEA and local unions, have lined up in support of the plan.

Current Utica student groups were unavailable for comment due, in part, to the fact that they're not civically-engaged enough to form student groups. However, several student tweets and facebook status updates attributed to district students called the plan "homo" and "whatever."

OPINION: That’s Saul, Folks! Anuzis has new plan for Republicans in Michigan and abroad

2010-04-05T08:56:00.003-04:00

By: Paul Perrone
Troy, Michigan

Saul is back at it again! Saul Anuzis, a former chairman of the Michigan Republican Party and a longtime national party official, said he was confident that he could restore the good name that Republicans across the country have soured.

He plans to do this while sipping on a lot of green tea, his favorite drink du jour.

Anuzis is running a campaign to take out Representative Bart Stupak and Barack Obama. This is a hefty challenge and Saul is the man to accomplish this.

“It’s a good juxtaposition,” said Saul Anuzis, the former chairman of the Republican Party in Romney’s first home state of Michigan. “Obama has said he kind of wants to create this new world order. Well, I want to create a new Republican order. I want to create a party that actually wins something,” Anuzis proudly said while looking to the dawn of a new age.

“I was such a big winner in Michigan politics that I know what it takes to win around the United States of America,” Anuzis told the Motor City Malcontent recently.

Anuzis claims that if someone else were at the helm in 2006 and 2008 for the GOP the losses would have been a lot worse.

“It’s all about damage control, and I limited the damage to the House and Executive branch in Michigan and I never get credit for that," Anuzis recalled. “We lost a lot of seats in the House and the man I lobbied hard to be governor in 2006 got beat. However, if Chuck Yob, or his punk son John, would have been MIGOP chair, DeVos would have lost by 20-30 percent, easy! We barely kept the Senate and that shows I’m a winner. I also stand on my proud record of conservatism.”

Anuzis was pilloried for not having the MIGOP take a stance on the controversial Proposal 02-06. The proposal was to end affirmative action in university admissions and other areas in Michigan.

“Look, hindsight is 20-20. If I would have known that that proposal was a winner I would have backed it 100% If I would have known the Giants were going to beat the Patriots in Super Bowl 42 I would have bet all the GOP’s money on that, too. We can sit here and talk about mistakes or we can move on and make more with me at the helm!” Anuzis quickly noted.

Michigan Democratic Party under scrutiny over alleged funds misappropriation

2010-03-31T09:11:00.007-04:00

By: Joshua Havener
Lansing, Michigan

Mere days after the Republican National Committee went under fire for unauthorized use of $1,946 in party funds to reimburse alleged party boy and committee member Erik Brown for a strip club visit in February, the Michigan Democratic Party (MDP) faces a similar accusation.

In a report filed by Michigan Republican Party (MRP) Chairman Ron Weiser, two receipts that were turned into the Michigan Election Committee were “in excess of market rates for the items purchased.” The receipts in question both originated from the same East Lansing Staples store. One receipt, dated February 22, was for a ream of recycled paper totaling $9.53, and the second, dated February 23, was for a 12-count package of pink highlighters totaling $7.94. When asked why the discrepancy was brought to light, Weiser was indignant:

“It’s a shameful thing, to spend the money of the Party in a manner that goes against the laws of this state. The fact that recycled paper and pink highlighters were purchased point to the fact that the MDP is funding something that is pinko-communist and/or socialist in nature. The fact that both receipts were for a total of $1.08 more than the market rates of these products points to something that is much more sinister. After careful deliberation and research on this matter, we have found that the money in question is being used to fund an anti-conservative movement. The whole thing stinks of a desperate Party trying to cram more dirty, liberal, baby-killing Democrats down the throats of wholesome, God-fearing, conservative Michiganders."

As a result of this alleged misappropriation of funds, the MRP is moving to have all Democratic Party candidates removed from the ballot for the upcoming election cycle.

When asked what the $1.08 in misappropriated funds went to cover, an anonymous representative of the MDP claimed that the 6% Michigan sales tax was to blame, and that the money would be used to help increase state revenues. The source also pointed out that part of the sales tax money goes to fund the “Pure Michigan” ad campaign.

When asked for further comment on this explanation, MRP Chair Weiser further expressed his outrage.

“The idea that a non-profit entity like the MDP would willingly forego their tax-exempt status on a purchase this size is ludicrous. Its obvious that a huge lapse in morality is to blame, and this type of behavior should not go without a punishment of some kind. If every non-profit were to actually pay sales tax, it would cause the state government to balloon to astronomical levels on par with those of Soviet Russia. Besides, the MRP is having a hard enough time funding the November races as it is. If we actually paid sales tax for our campaign, we'd go bankrupt faster than Saul Anuzis lost his bid for RNC chair...Today the MDP frivolously funds an anti-conservative movement under the guise of economic development for Michigan's tourism industry; tomorrow, they're using the funds to tell our kids its okay to be gay, form labor unions, use recreational drugs, and abort their unborn children that were conceived out of wedlock.”

In an unscientific poll conducted by the MRP, the question "What do you think the misappropriated $1.08 went to fund?" was asked of Michigan residents. Below are the results of that poll. Please note that the margin of error is +/- 35%.

When asked for his thoughts, MDP chair Mark Brewer declined to comment on the allegations, pending an investigation by the Michigan Elections Committee.

Mock debate meets reality

2010-03-29T08:54:00.001-04:00

By: BeBot
Livonia, Michigan

As the quarreling pundits and members of congress duked it out in the name of health care, Holmes Middle School saw this red-headed step-child portion of history as an opportunity. First year teacher, Mr. Brah, came up with the idea to organize a mock debate regarding the current health care situation. It was a great and terrible idea.

Mr. Brah teaches 6th grade Social Studies at Holmes and has been on this Earth for 23 years. He runs a respectable classroom mostly attended by B- students. On Tuesday during the 4th hour class, Randy Beck began arguing for made-up team "The Republicanarchists". Little Beck sputtered out a slew of talking points, while on the other side of the table, "Progressively Pounding" member Leo Miller mentally prepared for his rebuttal.

After the first six back-and-forth battles, Miller threw gas on the fire with a comment he made as tiny Beck braced himself for dismount of his final point. Miller savagely stated "If you tell me I want to bury your gay grandma alive one more time, I'll piss on your teabags and shove this proposal up your ass!"

Although Mr. Brah initially paused because he was profoundly intrigued and humored by that comment, he quickly reacted as the brawl broke out like acne on the students' faces in a year. Bite-size Beck sprawled across the table with rage in his eyes and the power of Grey Skull in his fist. Miller saw the attack coming so he initiated a mid-air rear naked choke hold on his foe; this move has never been done, not even in a movie.

The momentum of Beck's silly little body forced Miller back into a teammate and two desks. As they grappled on the ground like Jerry Springer guests, Mr. Brah jumped in the rumble to maintain peace. He grabbed Beck by the collar of his over sized blazer with elbow patches and gingerly tossed him to the side. Miller was forced at ease by Mr. Brah with a powerful and subtle bear hug.

Neither team won the debate, but they will all end up living healthy and hearty lives if they listen to Mr. Brah.

Political Science professor warns Michigan against electing "A Nerd"

2010-03-26T09:37:00.000-04:00

By: Steve Traynor
Detroit, Michigan

While Republican Candidate for Governor Rick Snyder may portray himself as 'One Tough Nerd,' the idea behind this strategy "may not be all that its cracked up to be," warns one area political analyst.

"I do see a definite downside the prospect of having a nerd as our next governor," says Associate Professor of Political Science (Adjunct), Phil A. Buster, of Zug Island University, "All you need do is use common nerd lore, like the movie Revenge of the Nerds as your template and this might not be what Michiganders want from their next state leader."

As well documented in nerd lore, Buster feels nerds generally lack basic social graces that most others of us take for granted. "From loud, outrageous and snorting laughter to picking their noses in public, you just never know what you're going to get socially at anytime from a nerd. Can you imagine having a nerd like that on a trade delegation to a foreign country where demonstrating social protocol is of the utmost importance, and suddenly in a formal state dinner, milk comes squirting out of his nose? I just don't want to be in the room when one that happens," said Buster while shaking his head.

Professional image is another concern for Professor Buster. "Imagine it is inaugural day, and now Governor Snyder shows up to take the oath of office wearing of all things … a polyester powder blue tuxedo with a ruffled shirt ... and maybe even wearing it with spats? What sort of leadership image does this portray to the constituents?" Buster points out that Snyder is already showing strong nerd fashion tendencies, as evidenced by the fact he hasn't even worn a collared shirt yet in any of his television ad's to date, "What's next, an executive order for manditory pocket protectors?"

Nerds also are "easy targets for intimidation and bullying, which doesn't work well when dealing with other power hungry and ego driven political leaders." Buster cites going to Washington to seek out Federal funding for our state, "The last thing anyone wants is for him to go approach representatives on the House Ways and Means Committee and wind up only getting a wedgie back from them."

Nerds also like to travel in packs of other like minds, which has Professor Buster concerned, "Do we want a dweeb heading up the Department of Social Services or a dork handling the Department of the Treasury? While they may be book smart, you have to admit you wouldn't want to go to one to solve a real problem?" Buster also warns that high level cabinet meetings could bear an eerie resemblance to a break out session at a Trekkie convention.

"Generally, nerds truly have poor social skills," warns Professor Buster, "which when you are trying to build a consensus of people in order to govern, this could truly back fire." He cites that they are generally the outsiders for a reason - no one really wants to deal with them or all the self-indulgent geek speak. "It's not surprising he's wrote a ten-point plan, what's surprising is that Snyder expects people who are over worked and dealing with all the issues in their lives to also read and then fully comprehend it."

Professor Buster says while he may successfully have the nerd vote all locked up, he recommends that Rick Snyder move more towards the core of his political party and start looking more and acting like a real politician. "If I was Snyder, I would put on a suit and tie and get down to the business of pressing the flesh and eating rubber chicken at political dinners, while making promises that he may or may not be able to keep."

China declares war on Google, attacks Birmingham offices

2010-03-24T09:14:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Birmingham, Michigan

Following the breakdown of diplomatic relations in the wake of mounting hostilities, China declared war on the ubiquitous internet giant Google marking the first time a foreign power has declared war on a multi-national corporation.

The first phase of the Chinese assault crippled Google's Mountain View, California headquarters with a barrage of Hsiung Feng II missiles fired from offshore Chinese frigates. However, Google executive officers escaped a Chinese ground force assault when incoming troop deployments using GPS mapping software programmed by Google was infiltrated and scrambled, leaving the soldiers in disarray.

Since then, Chinese elite air assault troops embarked on a cunning raid of Google's field office in Downtown Birmingham, throwing into chaos afternoon lunch plans for the area's debutantes and business professionals.

"Christ," exclaimed Tad Clark, a Wealth Management Consultant at Comerica Bank. "It's bad enough I barely have time to eat during the work day, but now I have to tip-toe around a bunch of angry China-men in order to get a sandwich?"

Birmingham residents ran the gamut of emotion from terror to annoyance at the sight of Chinese Type 63 Light Tanks rolling down Maple Road on their way to Google's complex downtown. The advance was temporarily halted by Maria Deyton a local homemaker, who refused to move her slightly-dinged Acura MDX luxury crossover until a proper exchange of insurance information occurred following its grazing by a Chinese Armored Personnel Carrier.

"Who do these guys think they are!? I know the rules. He hit me! If he's not going to give me his insurance information, I'll just take down his license plate!" erupted Deyton, feverishly attempting to scribe Chinese symbols from the offending vehicle onto the back of a bank envelope.

An indifferent Birmingham Police Department gave the invading armies plenty of room to operate citing that they had completed the necessary paperwork to conduct a military exercise downtown. Police Chief Richard Patterson urged all Birmingham residents to stay in their homes, outdoor cafes or martini bars until the crisis subsided.

At the time of publication, the Chinese spearhead was making inroads into Google's accounting and human resources department. Early reports indicate that marketing strategy and software development, along with their improvised office-equipment weaponry stopped the advance cold near the second floor elevators.

Suze Orman gets her most ridiculous request yet

2010-03-22T11:11:00.003-04:00

By: Bonnie Brooke
New York City, New York

On her CNBC personal finance call-in show, Suze Orman has had many people seeking her blessing to buy the most outrageous things -- a pet calf, a trip to Iceland to attend elf school, a diamond and platinum Rolex.

But it was a man who wanted to buy an iPhone 3GS that set off a record-breaking shriek that shattered eardrums between New York and Texas, on the “Can I Afford It?” segment of “The Suze Orman Show.”

The caller, who identified himself Kwame, told Orman that he loved texting, and, like his women, couldn’t get enough of it.

“Swanky phone, boyfriend,” Orman told Kwame. “But before I give you the thumbs up, you have to show me the money.”

Kwame’s request seemed as if it would be a shoo-in when he told Orman he brought home $10,000 a month until he started to disclose his expenses.”

“OK, so you owe $3,000 a month in rent, but that $900 a month for an Escalade seems pretty high. Talk to me the next time you look for a new car and I’ll help you negotiate a lower payment,” Orman said before inquiring about his credit card debt.

Kwame then stuttered and said, “Uh, I don’t know. I’ll have to ask my wife. She takes care of the bills and stuff.”

“Are you crazy?” Orman shrieked, busting windows within a three-block radius of the CNBC studios in New York City. “There’s no way I’m going to let you go off on a sexting binge on a $200 iPhone when you have a wife at home taking care of you like a kid in short pants. If you watch my show, you know my rules: people first, then money, then things. You are absolutely DEEEE-nied!”

Orman composed herself over a commercial break before taking a call from a woman named Carolyn, who wanted to charter a $30,000 private plane flight for her son.

Proposed bridge to connect Windsor, southern Macomb County

2010-03-19T09:34:00.000-04:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Windsor, Ontario, Canada

After years of failed land acquisitions, community protests and regulatory hurdles on the U.S. side, the Canadian Transportation Authority announced plans this morning for an additional border crossing that would connect Windsor with Macomb County, bypassing Detroit entirely.

"There is a strong demand for an additional crossing. But our data suggests residents aren't particularly interested in visiting Detroit itself exactly," politely admits CTA Spokesperson Dave Rozek. "So, we figured it would be best for everyone if we continued with this project without troubling Detroit any further."

The plan calls for a six-lane bridge/expressway hybrid that would cross the Detroit River connecting Windsor's Great Western Park to I-94 at Nine Mile Road in Eastpointe. According to Rozek, the proposed span directly addresses the top concerns of the majority of Canada's frequent international travelers.

"And it's not that Windsor doesn't have it's own problems," softens the Canadian transportation expert. "But many of our residents find the drive through Detroit on their way to the malls and shopping centers of Macomb and Oakland Counties to be a most unpleasant part of their American experience."

Canadians very courteously complain of off-putting images of urban decay and poverty, along with increased incidence of property crime within the Detroit City Limits.

"I was happy to give him some money," recalls a recently-carjacked Canadian traveller. "But he didn't have to use such abusive language in front of my girlfriend."

The 11.3 mile span proposal has been welcomed by local business groups, citing a strong currency exchange rate as motivation for welcoming in Canadian commuters. Area teenagers are also happy at the prospect of a more direct route to Canadian nightclubs where the legal drinking age is 19.

Becca Heimman, a freshman at Macomb Community College expressed her approval via a recent Facebook status update: "It's about freaking time! No more driving through the ghetto to get to the Boom Boom Room."

Celina Evans with the Southeast Michigan Association of Urban Planners believes there won't be any land use obstacles to the bridge due to the city's large tracts of vacant or dilapidated land.

"The bridge would cut a swath right through the city's northeast side. But thankfully, there isn't much that's habitable in that area. The Canadians did their homework."

The Canadian Transportation Authority is also considering another span that would lead directly from Windsor to the Parking Deck at Cobo Hall to provide direct to-and-from access to Detroit Red Wings Hockey Games, the #3 cited reason for Canadian travel.

Last living Wolverine in Michigan may have been a spinster

2010-03-17T08:49:00.004-04:00

By: Steve Traynor

Bay City, Michigan

Birds do it and bees do it; but scientists are speculating that the last know living wolverine animal found in the state of Michigan sadly may veterinary never have had the chance to do it.

Preliminary and unofficial reports are coming from the veterinary lab at Michigan State University, where a necropsy is currently being completed. These reports indicate that a small fold of mucous membrane covering the external vaginal opening, known commonly as a hymen, was remarkably found to be intact. MSU scientists have stopped short of formally calling this wolverine 'a virgin,' but that some scientists speculate that there is a 'strong indication' that with the lack of a male counterpart for procreational purposes, this may just have been the case.

The female wolverine was first noted in 2004 when she appeared in the state's thumb area. Since then, wild speculation about any additional of the state critters have been the subject of local lore, countless tacky t-shirts and abundant unjustified area pride. Hikers in northern Sanilac County discovered the body of the 28-pound animal this past Saturday, without any with indications of either skeletal damage, traumatic injuries or dramatic foul play that would make this a much better story for idle and frenzied media speculation on these slow news days.

The wolverines remains are scheduled to be stuffed and are scheduled to go on display at the Bay City State Game Area. Out of respect for the way she lived her life, no plans were announced for her to be mounted.

Downriver community seeks to host Spring Olympics

2010-03-15T09:19:00.000-04:00

By: Steve Traynor

Wyandotte, Michigan

Following the recent success of the United States team in the Vancouver 2010 Winter Games, an exploratory committee has been formed by several residents of Wyandotte to explore the possibility of bringing the Spring Olympic games to the downriver community.

Michael Czwerwinski, chairman of the Wyandotte Spring Olympic Games Committee says he feels that his community could benefit from the influx of international atheletes, coaches and most importantly, dollars.

“We’ll put a fresh coat of paint on the ol' Yak Arena, and we’ll be ready to roll,” says Czerwinski.

When it was pointed out that at this time, there are no Spring Olympics; Czwerwinski begged to differ.

“There are four seasons, and we just saw Winter … I know that the Summer Olympics are wildy popular. I just supect that that the Fall and Spring Olympics get lost in the shuffle of all the other sports events that happen during those seasons.”

When asked to name any Spring Olympic sports, Czwerwinski was hard pressed to name one. “That’s why we have to have an exploratory committee," he said, "We want to make sure we’re ready to roll, no matter what the sport … indoor or outdoor.”

ABC Warehouse's Gordy to run for governor

2010-03-12T09:57:00.000-05:00

By: Bonnie Brooke

Farmington Hills, Michigan

Taking a cue from state attorney general candidate Richard Bernstein, ABC Warehouse founder Gordy Hartunian is the latest local TV commercial personality to run for public office.

Gordy, as he is best known by Michigan TV viewers, announced his candidacy for governor at the ABC Warehouse in Farmington Hills.

“I’m not quite sure what suing insurance companies has to do with being attorney general, but he’s got a good screen presence,” Gordy said. “And if anyone wonders how an appliance salesman would make a good governor, I’ll put it this way: if I was able to get that family from having to huddle around that 21-inch TV and get them a great deal on a flat-screen in one of my commercials a few years ago, I’m sure I’ll be able to drive a better bargain for the people of Michigan.”

Over the years, market research has shown that 89 percent of television viewers have chosen ABC Warehouse over other big box appliance retailers at least once because of Gordy’s “likeable” and “trustworthy” persona.

“I’ve kissed a few babies and shook hands with a couple of senior citizens in my commercials over the years, so I guess you can say I’ve had some practice running for office,” Gordy said.

“I think he’ll be a shoo-in,” said David Forsee, CEO of Epic-FAIL, a Lansing-based polling firm. “Nobody really knows who Virg Bernero or Alma Wheeler Smith are, but they know Gordy and they like him.”

Considering the small number of low- and no-profile candidates running for state offices this year, Forsee predicted that other TV pitchmen such as Hanson’s CEO Brian Elias and that guy from the Mr.Alan’s commercials.

“I really think that guy from Mr. Alan’s would sweep any race he’d enter into,” Forsee said. “He already has a slogan to which people really relate, even if “two-fo-fiddy” doesn’t apply to anything going on in state government.”

Gordy did not reveal any priorities of his platform except to say that he’d help bring in a state budget that would be “the closest thing to wholesale.”

GM churns through three VPs of Communications during routine press conference

2010-03-10T09:59:00.001-05:00

By: Skip McGarnacle
Detroit, Michigan

In another glaring example of recent management turnover at the world's largest automaker, General Motors announced the resignation of three separate Vice Presidents of Communication during a press conference to announce the resignation of a Vice President of Product Design.

Selim Bingol, who took over last week for the outgoing Chris Preuss, began the press conference to announce that GM would be replacing a retiring Vice President of Product Design Sylvia Christiansen with former Subaru Global Product Director Bill Barton.

Moments into a question-and-answer portion, Bingol announced that he would be leaving General Motors for a Communications Director position with UnitedHealth Group.

"I've really enjoyed my six day tenure here at GM and believe that this company is striving to readjust to an ever-changing world auto market," read Bingol from a prepared statement. "I'm pleased to announce that GM has hired former the Vice President of Global Communications for Morgan Stanley, Bruce Hansen, who will take over for me and report directly to Ed Whitacre."

"I'm sincerely looking forward to working with General Motors to address our companies wide-ranging and complex communications issues," offered Hansen.

"And with that, I'm pleased to announce our new Vice President of Communications, and former VP of Public Relations for MetLife, Tina Gervais. She'll be taking over for me as, after speaking with my family, I believe the time has come to explore new opportunities."

Reporters and photographers exchanged puzzled glances at a stage that now contained five former and/or current General Motors executive officers as the most-recently appointed Vice President of Communications, Tina Gervais stepped to the podium.

Gervais graciously accepted her new post and skillfully answered questions pursuant to the press conferences original purpose, the appointment of a new VP of Product Design. Once reporters were finished discussing the recent Global Product management changeover, a smiling Gervais discussed how excited she was at her recent appointment.

"Recent management shuffles and departmental shifts have cast aspersions recently on the executive health of this company," admitted the 46-year old spokesperson. "But I assure you that, even though I've been with the company for only a short period, I can assure you that GM is in it for the long haul and will do whatever it takes to win your confidence with our wide-range of quality products."

Following the hour-long junket, Gervais announced she would be leaving General Motors via her personal twitter account to accept a position as Vice President of Corporate Communication Relations at Berkshire Hathaway. She noted that she sincerely enjoyed her tenure in Detroit, believing that she's left GM "in a better place."

Sander Levin looking forward to learning what Ways and Means Committee does

2010-03-08T08:45:00.004-05:00

"Whatever it is we're supposed to do, I'm sure we will do it well."

By: Sean T. Johnston

Washington, D.C.

As Democratic Party leaders announced Representative Sander Levin's appointment as interim chair of the House Ways and Means Committee last week, nobody appeared more surprised than the oft-fuddled congressman himself.

"That sounds really important," admitted the thirteen-term veteran and brother of bespectacled Senior Michigan Senator Carl Levin. "I just wish someone would have told me what this committee does."

Levin reassured the press and constituents that he has mastered a number of difficult undertakings since assuming office in 1983. He noted that learning what his new committee responsibilities encompassed should pale in comparison to remembering which desk is his on the house floor, or what day his favorite soup (seafood bisque) is served in the Longworth House Office Building food court.

"My staff is second to none and our research resources should bring me up to speed in no time," boasted the 78-year old liberal, gesturing towards a CD-ROM copy of the 1994 Compton's Encyclopedia.

Levin will take over from New York Congressman and lightning rod Charles Rangel, who is embroiled in ethics investigations. Party leaders felt Levin, who has not left the Congressional grounds since 2003, would attract less unwanted attention.

Internal study shows Ford concerned about running out of 'F' words

2010-03-05T09:52:00.001-05:00

By: Steve Traynor

Dearborn, Michigan

An inside source at the Ford Motor Company has shared that the company has a concern about running out of cool and catchy car names that begin with the letter F.

“From Flex to Fiesta and Fairlane to Focus, we car guys at Ford have built our marketing plans on the idea of powerful word alliteration,” the unnamed source reports, “Now; we may have to look at lesser words.”

“Chevrolet also has their letter C’s and Dodge has their letter D’s. We admit that it may seem petty, but we find our word supplier community is doing a lesser then normal job of supplying us with these letter F words.” One suggestion was made to look at prefixes that create the same sound, such as “Ef” or “Ph” but this was determined in a study to be ‘weird, stupid and ignorant’.

While the carmaker admits many of its most popular nameplates, such as Mustang and Taurus, don’t feature this, it is simpler to take the easy way during product development meetings and just find something that begins with an F and then justify all the reasons behind it later.

“Yes, we always know one ‘F’ word that’s always going to be available to us,” the source said, “but that one is reserved for the use of class clowns and disgruntled owners.”

Bloomfield Hills teen caught sexting while driving

2010-03-03T10:48:00.001-05:00

By: Steve Traynor

Bloomfield Hills, Michigan

A Bloomfield Hills teenage girl is trouble with the law for combining two of modern technologies worst behaviors. Bloomfield Township Police report that they have evidence of her ‘Sexting While Driving.”

Police have arrested and are holding 17 year old Emily Affluent of Bloomfield Hills. Sources close to the investigation report that police and city’s attorney disagree which is the more heinous offense. “Currently on the books, there are no guidelines for taking lewd and provocative pictures of one’s self at the same time while driving ,” says a source close to the investigation.

Emily sent members of the Lasher High Boy’s Varsity Basketball Teams pictures of her in various states of exposure, all taken while she was at the wheel of her parents 2007 Mercedes Benz 200 SLK. The pictures were taken while driving north from the school on Lasher Road, and driving around several roads of a local subdivision.

Reports are that her intent was ‘to get the team up’ before their upcoming game with cross-town rival, Bloomfield Hills Andover. “I am not able to speak to the nature of the poses or the photos,” the source said, “I can say that since Lasher’s colors are black and gold, Ms. Affluent made certain that her undergarments were also in keeping with the school’s colors.”

Classmates were neither shocked nor stunned by the news. “Em’ was the mind of girl who would watch a movie like ‘Heathers’ or ‘Mean Girls’ and take notes about the bad girls,” said Rachel Steen, who shared several classes with accused.

Family attorney Bernard Schwartz said, “While the pictures seem to indicate an aggressive sexual stance and proclivity to be ruled by her boy-crazy hormones on the part of Miss Affluent, I am prepared to launch a barrage of expert witnesses, mental health professionals and technology experts that will systematically rationalize, explain and minimize Emily’s behavior, in keeping with both the circumstances of the incident and her family’s willingness to pay my hourly rate.”

Detroit Tigers hitting coach looking forward to Johnny Damon's handsome-ness in the lineup

2010-03-01T10:00:00.004-05:00

By: Sean T. Johnston

Lakeland, Florida

During the recent drama and resolute media coverage of the Johnny Damon free agency, Lloyd McClendon, hitting coach for the Detroit Tigers, was giving a great deal of thought to the possible addition of the left-handed veteran and recent Yankee.

Since Damon's recent contract signing, McClendon, the 51-year old former manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates, seems particularly interested in Damon's physical attractiveness and discussed how his good looks could impact the upcoming campaign.

"To be able to have a guy that looks as sharp as Johnny does batting at the top of your lineup can really improve your outlook on a season," assured McClendon.

When asked for details on what aspect of Damon's approach to batting McClendon considers "sharp," the former big league manager reveled at the World Series champion's batting stance in vivid and enthusiastic detail.

"I appreciate the way his wide open stance allows him to retain tremendous power in those muscular, chiseled legs. You can really see the energy in his body when his right foot pivots, allowing him to to turn on inside pitches with those firm hips and buttocks. With his power numbers, I don't need to tell you what happens when he gets those ripped arms through the zone and connects."

The Tigers' hitting coach, flushed, then excused himself briefly to share a smoke with Manager Jim Leyland, returning moments later to discuss the veteran's plate discipline.

"Whether you're talking about the unkempt masculine 'caveman' look Johnny had with the Red Sox, or the clean-cut Yankee version we're all familiar with, I don't see how any pitcher wouldn't be scared looking down into those steely, yet kind eyes." reveled McClendon. "When he looks at you, it's like he's staring into your soul, so it's no wonder he knows what pitch is coming, allowing him to draw walks and get on base. It's hard not to get lost in there, or distracted by his dimples, lips and chin."

The Tiger's coach also believes that Damon has a universal respect and rapport with even the most fierce competitors because of how his "boyish" and "gentle" smile can warm the heart of even the surliest ball players.

McClendon went back to business as he fielded questions about the Tigers' apparent leadoff hitter, rookie Center fielder Austin Jackson. He spoke, albeit with a significantly diminished amount of wistfulness or enthusiasm, about Jackson's plate discipline and how he should not overthink his role, or acquiesce to the pressure that he is under.

Whether this lack of excitement means McClendon does not find Jackson as attractive as Damon, or if it is a matter of him not having much experience mentoring the 23-year old, has yet to be determined.

Slapshots: Thursday, February 4th

2010-02-03T23:12:00.006-05:00

By: Joshua Havener

Ortonville, Michigan

Early Monday morning, 84 year old Bettie Thompson was arrested by Michigan State Police after a sting operation that took place at the Meijer in Oxford Township. According to court documents, the grandmother of 15 was caught by an undercover narcotics officer posing as a cashier. State Police Lieutenant Fred Lewis, the arresting officer, made his move after miss Thompson asked to purchase both crack cocaine and marijuana. In a statement released yesterday, Bettie had this to say:

“I just don't understand why this is happening. Its not like its against the law to own a crack pot. Did they just pass a law outlawing them? You know, come to think of it, pretty much every household in America has at least one crack pot. They're probably the greatest invention since the microwave. You can just put your roast in it before you leave the house, run your errands, come home, and your food is waiting for you. Why, just last week my grandson bought a new crack pot. I wonder why he didn't get arrested? You know, I haven't heard from him since he bought it. Hopefully he's not in jail.”

A preliminary hearing has been set for February 15th. Bettie is currently out on $10,000 bond.

St. Clair Shores, Michigan

With the 2010 edition of Jobbie-Nooner a mere five months away, the City of St. Clair Shores is hoping to capitalize on those who can't wait until July. Announced late Wednesday night, St. Clair Shores City Council unanimously approved a permit for a weekend festival on Lake St. Clair for valentines day weekend. The festival, which is sponsored in part by the Archdiocese of Detroit, Big Boy restaurants, and WMUZ FM, is arguably the first of its kind for the Metro Detroit area. Event organizer Father Evan McCleoud has poured all his spare time over the past year to make his dream a reality:

“Over the years, Jobbie-Nooner has been associated with a day of drunken debauchery and senseless, lewd behavior. This new festival will highlight the benefits of living a sober, monogamous, and righteous lifestyle. Because the festival is taking place in the winter, we felt that we should make this weekend everything that Jobbie-Nooner is not. We are planning on having a number of services throughout the day with a number of right-wing guest speakers, protests sponsored by the Westboro Baptist Church, and an offering being taken to fund Glenn Beck's show. We're expecting an extremely large turnout. We don't want to miss the boat on this opportunity."

Waltz, Michigan

On Thursday, February 25th, the village of Waltz will finally join the 21st century. After nearly fifty years of planning and negotiations with the Michigan Department of Transportation, Waltz will get its first, and likely only, traffic signal. Mayor David Levenwerth has scheduled a ribbon cutting ceremony to celebrate this momentous occasion.

"This event is going to be the crowning moment for the village of Waltz over the past half a century. The battles we have had to fight have been monumental. When this process first started way back in 1960, M-DOT didn't even think we were a real city; they thought we made ourselves up. I stand before you today and can say without a shadow of a doubt that we exist and we're getting our light. Now that we've finally achieved this milestone, the next task is to get Starbucks to open a franchise on one corner, and a tanning salon right across the street."

Extra, Extra ... We don't have any extra stories right now

2010-02-03T22:36:00.004-05:00

by Steve Traynor
Looking for a Florist and Gift Shop

If you are a regular reader of MCM, we know you have too much time on your hands, but we thank you for spending that time with us.

Our editorial leadership and two of your favorite scribes here, Bonnie Brooke and Sean T. Johnson, have taken cues from all our Detroit winter sports teams and are both out on injured reserve.

While they are on the mend, the rest of the malcontents are still trying to investigate, report and discover the stupid, self indulgent, weird, tacky or different things that make up Michigan's Most Believable Fake News.

So, cut us some slack, will ya ... know that they are holding up ... there hasn't been a coupé and that with a bit of patience, we will put things in their rightful place soon enough.

"Accumlo-American" feels she's treated unjustly

2010-01-29T10:02:00.002-05:00

"I have the right to be a pack rat."

By: Steve Traynor

Armada Township, Michigan

An Armada Township wife and homemaker is taking a public stand against what she feels is the abuse, judgement and stereotyping against her need to accumulate, hoard and pile extreme amounts of items in her surburban Detroit home.

Gwen Boxx calls herself an "Accumlo-American." She feel that she has a right to accumulate an abundance of items in her life -- This trait is what Boxx feels makes her unique and special. Her home and its contents appears to be at ninety percent capacity.

Boxx also feels that like women, blacks, native americans and the GLBT community before her, that she has rights that are constitutionally protected, including sloppiness, hoarding, piles and the general ability to just be a pack rat if she feels like it. "It's all covered under the ideas of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness."

Boxx has also criticized the recent cable television show Hoarders; which she feels has done little to help the plight of this often stereotyped and misunderstood group.

"While we have made great strides in the areas of civil rights over the past fifty years, it's now time to reach down and recognize those persons like myself that have been thrown under the bus by both the media and the medical community," she says, "Being an accumlo-american is really something special if others will help embrace our ability to accumulate, preserve and stash stuff for both our needs and the needs of generations to come."

Boxx feels that is her plight is not a random thing. "I am not sloppy. I have my own filing systems that make perfect sense to me," she says, "I feel that it is also selected inforcement and willfulness from all those in the oppressively minimalist movement who continually berrate us Accumlo-Americans in to thinking that less is more and have brought their own minimal values to the fight."

Boxx characterizes this as a healthy expression of who and what she is, "As an accumlo-american, I am visually and emotionally in touch with all the items I own. I don't sufffer from the deferred gratification or oppression of systems to embrace what is mine." She also feels that through accepting herself as an Accumlo-American, she provides ecological, historical and emotional benefits to her and others. "What I do keeps things out of land fills, allows other access to the variety of social and historical phenomina I own and allows both myself and others to feel good about the things we each accumluate. It may be a lot of stuff, but its all my lot of stuff."

Dr. Sanjah Patel, Ms. Boxx's psychotherapist at Macomb County General Hospital, feels that there could be legitmate basis for her claim. "We have prescribed medications, tried OCD therapy and done everything that we can do in order to keep Mrs Boxx from doing what she does," says Dr. Patel, "At this point, I have concluded that she may just be right with the idea that she is different and we would be better off not spending any more time or money on her and just leaving well enough alone."

Ms. Boxx is organizing a support group for local Accumlo-Americans and plans on having people come over to her home and meet with her to discuss their common plights as soon as she can clear off the couch, kitchen table and enough chairs.

Ashton Kutcher seen working at local portrait sudio

2010-01-28T10:19:00.000-05:00

By: Sean T. Johnston
Roseville, Michigan

Patrons of the Sears Portrait Studio at Macomb Mall in Roseville might feel starstruck the next time they need their picture taken. That’s because former actor turned Nikon spokesperson Ashton Kutcher is the store’s newest shutterbug.

The former star of That 70’s Show and Punk’d turned to photography recently, having not landed a substantive role in any motion picture since the 2004 box office flop The Butterfly Effect, which was also critically panned.

However, being part of the ensemble cast in the upcoming romantic comedy Valentine's Day, entertainment blogs are a-buzz debating whether Ashton's new career choice is simply a bizzare attempt to organic attempt to promote his upcoming movie.

Eugene Miranda, who edits the popular Hollywood blog "Monsterous Expectation," has an alternate theory.

"Ashton has a way of alienating people out of wanting to see his movies," admits Miranda. "He just has one of those faces and personalities that you want to hit repeatedly, and without mercy. So given the fact that his newest project has a number of well-respected and popular stars in it, I think the studio was happy to let him sit this promotional tour out and dumped him where no one would find him, doing the only thing he loves more than grating on people's nerves-- taking pictures of strangers."

Despite his spastic, ostentatious behavior in front of the camera, Kutcher has developed a reputation for professionalism and patience behind it.

“I couldn’t believe how great he was with the kids,” comments customer Caitlin Baxter, whose family portrait was done by Kutcher. “I was really nervous at first because of all of the stupid things he would do on that MTV show. But in the end, everything worked out great."

Kutcher’s work as a family photographer has also been noticed by Macomb Sears Portrait Studio Manager Declan Warner, who has offered the once A-list celebrity an additional 12 hours per week along with a shot at a soon-to-be vacant Assistant Managership.

Slapshots: Wednesday, January 27th

2010-01-27T10:04:00.010-05:00

Editor's Note: Our new segment, "Slapshots," takes a look at a number of different, smaller stories happening around the Metro region.

By: Joshua Havener

Auburn Hills, Michigan

Construction has begun on an installation of three large green tubes outside the main entrance of the Chrysler/Fiat building. The modern art piece, named “warp”, has been in talks since Italian automaker Fiat purchased Chrysler last year. The project is being carried out by an eclectic artist, known simply as Mario, who has made a number of these installations around the globe.

“These tubes are not only beautiful to look at, but they serve a multitude of purposes – both functional and esoteric. I’ve put a similar set outside the Fiat headquarters in Italy, and I have plans to install a set in front of the U.S. Treasury building as well as the Capitol building.”

When asked what these tubes represent, Mario was vague on the details, though he noted that Japanese Snapdragons look beautiful planted inside them.

Lathrup Village, Michigan

Detroit Metro/Willow Run TSA Agent Jasper Watson of Lathrup Village has been fired for violating federal guidelines regarding his handling of passengers at security checkpoints. After completing his annual performance review, it was determined that Jasper had not been meeting his quota for inconveniencing travelers that posed no threat to national security. When asked for comment, Jasper had the following to say:

“They told me that I was being too upbeat and too courteous. I didn’t think I wasn’t doing anything wrong, but I guess they wanted me to be more of a prick. They told me that I should have had people take their socks off as well as their shoes and that I should have called for bag checks more frequently. Pretty much they wanted me to tell people they couldn’t bring non-prohibited items onboard. This all seems to be pretty outrageous, and as such, I’m going to file suit for wrongful termination."

Pontiac, Michigan

Oakland County Executive L. Brooks Patterson has announced his plans for the parcel of land where the Pontiac Fiero plant once stood. Situated on Baldwin Road a few mere miles from Great Lakes Crossing and Summit Place, the site will soon become the home of the world’s largest strip mall.

While details of the plan have not been fully disclosed, it is rumored that a number of possible tenants have been selected to fill the 100+ unit development. Businesses among those being considered include: The four current tenants of Summit Place Mall, Dollar General, Payless Shoes, BoRics, Pet Supplies Plus, Verizon, and an unnamed party-store. Apple and Swarovski could not be reached for comment, though talks are still open as being possible tenants.

Sam Riddle gets his own smart phone app

2010-01-26T10:23:00.000-05:00

By Bonnie Brooke
Detroit, Michigan

Samuel Jackson isn’t the only loud, vociferous black man with his own smart phone app.

Embattled political consultant Sam Riddle just released his own app yesterday, which contains live and archived Facebook and Twitter ramblings and other special features.

“You can program numbers of calls you don’t want to take and they’ll hear Sam shout ‘KMA’ before the call disconnects,” said DeAndre Brown, a sales representative at the Sprint kiosk at Eastland Center in Harper Woods. “Or you program Sam to ask ‘Do you want me to pick up that cash?’ on days you have to go to the bank or make any other cash transactions.”

While U.S. District Judge Avern Cohn has issued a gag order for Riddle not to use Twitter or Facebook to comment on his ongoing bribery hearing, thousands have purchased and download the app, including Kevin Sanders of Detroit.

"Half the time I don't know what the man is talking about, but he certainly knows how to speak his mind," Sanders said.

There’s been no word if Cohn will extend Riddle’s gag order to the app, but the app comes with a gag feature so updated outbursts won’t go off at inappropriate times. The app is also equipped with a Breathalyzer and a warning signal that goes off if the phone comes within 1,000 feet Mary Waters or any of the the app user's ex-significant others.

All of the proceeds from the Sam Riddle app will be donated to his defense fund. Those without a Same Riddle app can text "GO SAM GO" to 60666 to donate $10 to his defense fund.

MI unemployment crisis ends as Craigslist and Monster IT problems corrected

2010-01-25T08:57:00.000-05:00

Monster IT Manager: "Wow! Are our faces red!"

By: Sean T. Johnston

Lansing, Michigan

Demoralized job seekers were greeted today with an abundance of previously unposted positions as they cynically logged on to two of the state's top job search sites- Criagslist and Monster.

"I slithered out of bed and into my computer chair this morning and I couldn't believe what I saw," exclaims out-of-work account manager Greg Dipasquale of Clarkston. "I had recently become so despondent with my job options that I had considered moving to New Orleans, but it looks like there were thousands of jobs that were just added last night! Good ones too! Not the work-from-home medical transcriptional shit you have to weed through."

But what Dipasquale and thousands of other unemployed Michiganders didn't realize is that a minor but simultaneous programming glitch affecting both sites had been incorrectly posting Michigan-related jobs as being offered in Manitoba, Canada.

Site users saw dwindling numbers and attributed the lack of options as being recession-related. But in actuality, any Michigan-centered job opportunity that was posted after October 14th, 2008 was incorrectly attributed to the sleepy Canadian Prairie Province.

Manitoba's estimated 1.2 million residents are all either fully and happily employed or not of legal working age, therefore negating the need to search employment sites for alternative vocations. So it wasn't until a recently divorced Monster.com Operations Executive began searching for jobs in his former home of Michigan did he stumble upon the glitch.

"Now that I'm divorced, I've been looking into a move back to Michigan," explains Efrain Birnbaum of Monster. "But I was disheartened to see the lack of employment opportunities there. I figured all the whining about the state's unemployment was because of the auto industry. So it wasn't until I noticed all of these Michigan companies were searching for candidates in Winnipeg did I think something was up."

Craigslist, who uses a similar script to geographically source postings, was incorrectly filing Michigan postings under the Marshall Islands.

"We've had plenty of openings the whole time," shrugs Ada Mazzanti, a Human Resources Coordinator with Beaumont Hospitals. "We were just getting an unusual number of resumes from the South Pacific, along with a few Canadians here and there. We could never find the right fit, so the jobs are still open."

Michigan Department of Labor and Economic Growth projections indicate that the state's unemployment rate will likely fall from it's current 14.1%, to a more modest 9.3%, thanks to the website corrections.

The DELG next week will start rolling out an ad campaign informing unemployed residents of the snafu and encouraging them to look at the affected sites once again.

"We're confident that Michigan residents will appreciate humor in all of this and realize that this could have happened to anyone," states DLEG Director Skip Bruss.

"That is pretty funny," admits Greg Dipasquale. "So funny, in fact, that I should go home and tell my wife. That is, if it weren't for the fact that she left me after we were foreclosed upon."

Subaru's new 'Smarm' hybrid SUV runs on wheat germ, owner's bloated sense of self-satisfaction

2010-01-22T08:58:00.001-05:00

By: Sean T. Johnston

Detroit, Michigan

Using the opportunity to condescendingly cast a positive light on a downtrodden economy, Subaru today officially unveiled it's prototype Smarm hybrid SUV at Detroit's North American International Auto Show.

The new Subaru Smarm will feature an all-new proprietary "Earth Balance" hybrid system that runs on wheat germ kernels and the endorphins released when drivers feel good about how responsible they are being. The vehicle will produce no greenhouse gasses and emissions will actually inject nearby breathers with Vitamin E and thiamine.

"Even considering our vehicles are made in a zero-landfill plant using a wide-variety of eco-friendly manufacturing processes, we as a company felt compelled to do more to offset the damage being done by other, less-virtuosic car manufacturers," patronizes Brody Slaton, Subaru's Vice President of Planetary Obligation and New Product Development.

The revolutionary powertrain is made possible by recent breakthroughs in neuroscience that allow for the easy identification and extraction of a powerful endorphin that creates a catalyst powerful enough for a chemical reaction to power the vehicle.

Drivers will wear a 100% biodegradable, fair trade cotton spun cap containing thousands of capacitors that sense and extract the endorphin, feeding the energy right into an electric motor.

"It's a great feeling," admits Sophia Hoskins, a long-time Subaru owner and organic milk drinker. "I love just being able to drive around thinking about how great it is that bought a Subaru, considering how important they value sustainability. When I start to smile at myself, I feel a little jolt, and my vehicle surges forward!"

Not content with their smug eco-transcendence, Subaru is also addressing the obesity epidemic with their new vehicle. The Smarm's new soy foam-infused seats will feature scales and sensors that analyze the BMI of passengers and are programmed to immobilize the vehicle if over a pre-set limit, forcing the owner to walk instead.

"Finally!" admits Parker Dunlap, whose 25 BMI score makes him 5 pounds overweight. "This is the motivation I've needed to drop that spare tire I've been carrying around. I think the Smarm's right. Driving 16 miles to work is just fostering an unhealthy lifestyle. I should run instead!"

"Not only was it important for us to address the continued detriment vehicular transportation has on our fragile planet, but this is the first vehicle that actually proactively addresses nutrition and exercise," preaches Brody Slaton.

Added Dunlap, "I can't wait until I'm thin enough to actually drive this thing!"

The Smarm has been on sale for six weeks in test markets deemed by Subaru as being in need of planet-friendly transportation alternatives, most of which are manufacturing and industry centers like Detroit and Cleveland.

The MSRP for a base model Smarm is $48,000, a "pittance compared to how good it will feel spiritually." However, Subaru is quick to note that 15% of the proceeds go to Haitian Eathquake Relief or the Planetary Defense Fund. Prospective owners of less-means can also volunteer their time with local eco-charities in exchange for price concessions.

"I didn't have to pay a penny out of pocket!" squeals Dawn Morgan of Ann Arbor. "Instead, I just have to perform eight thousand hours of service picking up garbage on I-96. I feel so good about how great I am."

Chrysler and speedway link up on Speedy Rewards program

2010-01-21T08:53:00.001-05:00

By: Steve Traynor

Detroit, Michigan

In an unheard of marketing partnership, automaker The Chrysler Group is combining with Speedway Gas Stations to offer a catalyst to the percieved value of Speedway's Speedy Rewards Program.

Chrysler has offered, to those who are ruthless and aggressive about saving their Speedy Rewards points, the opportunity to purchase new cars and trucks with their point values.

For example, the MSRP for a 2010 Dodge Caravan is $22,800. At 750 points equaling one dollar, this translates to roughly 17,100,000 (Seventeen Million, One Hundred Thousand) points.

If one was to receive an average of about 450 points per visit, this would take only 38,000 visits. At an average of 2.5 visits per week, one would be need 15,200 weeks or said simply, one could earn enough points to get a minivan in about 250 years, give or take a promotion.

"While it seems like a stretch, it's not totally impossible," says Rex Blatherskite, Speedway's regional promotions manager, "You just have to be really focused on your goals and not succumb to the temptation of the hot dogs and large fountain drinks ... not that eating these is such a bad thing either."

When it was pointed out that no human has ever lived that long and that based on on Speedway's own calculations, it would be the model year 2260 before one would even qualify for delivery of such a vehicle, Blatherskite accused MCM reporters of 'just being plain old negative.'

Blatherskite suggests that instead of a Caravan, one may want to look at the 2010 Dodge Caliber. "To get a Caliber, it only takes 1,184,050 points. That's not totally out of the realm of possibilities, now is it?"

Top 10 Worst Concept Cars at the 2010 NAIAS

2010-01-20T08:49:00.003-05:00

By: BeBot
Detroit, Michigan

Among the hoopla, celebrity sightings, and festivities that is the North American International Auto Show, some of the most noteworthy components are the concept vehicles.

These are typically means of transportation that haven't quite made it off of "the old drawing board" and not yet apt for mass production.

With every great concept, there are always a few not up to par - and quite frankly, just plain absurd.

Here are the Top 10 Worst Concept Car Ideas for 2010:

1. Saturn Vue-Me Deluxe - The body of this mid-size vehicle is made entirely of clear Plexiglas so that every move and hand gesture you make is immediately visible by fellow drivers. Of course, virtually nothing of value can be easily hidden when the Vue-Me is left unattended.

2. Volvo Stick 'n Move - this design is based not on defensive driving, but offensive driving. At Volvo, they are aware that every driver is worse than you, so they created a system of attacks that this vehicle is capable of. For instance, the driver that gets a little too close to your lane can be regulated with the touch of a large red button that activates a metal fist that intensely protrudes from each side of the car, in which case the driver on the other side of you gets a taste of the fist despite their driving skills.

3. Skinny Mini - They boast of their economically and environmentally sound vehicles and they have taken it a step further. The Skinny Mini is the most narrow sedan of it's kind with the idea of fitting two in one lane. It is only four feet wide, but to accommodate everyday tasks that require some storage space(i.e. groceries, shopping bags, passengers, etc.), it is 36 feet in length.

4. Jeep Secure WTF - At Jeep, 2010 is all about driver safety. This vehicle is supplied with numerous airbags. It has airbags in every imaginable area within the interior. Unknowingly, a test-study report leaked out to the public as Jeep OKed the design. Using real people to test the safety of this vehicle, after all six crash tests were observed and recorded, the results were that all six "dummies" died of immediate suffocation when every single airbag deployed.

5. Microsoft Digimobile 1.0 - Yes, Microsoft now has their hand in the candy bowl that is the automobile industry. This is the only vehicle that requires a Bachelor's Degree to operate. There is no steering wheel, but a keyboard and a mouse. Half of the windshield is replaced with a high definition screen displaying all your driving commands; as there are no gas or brake pedals either. Sometimes Ctrl Alt Delete is not a sufficient method of avoiding an accident, so Microsoft teamed up with OnStar for real-time troubleshooting issues. They are still working on lowering response time before your life-threatening accident occurs.

6. Buick SE-X - With quite an arousing idea, Buick let loose for 2010! If sex is always on your mind, then this is absolutely the vehicle for you. Geared for both desired genders, you must be open-minded to appreciate the options they offer. Some include, penis-shaped gear shifter, air vents that emit cool air with a mix of freon and powdered ecstasy, seat belt straps with hands that grope your chest, fold out bed in the trunk, semen rag dispenser in the glove box, no arm console separating driver and passenger to ensure ease of giving/receiving road fellatio, mirrored ceilings, blowup doll airbags, pre-fogged windows, lube for windshield wiper fluid, and for the smokers, a cigarette lighter adaptor shaped like a vagina.

7. Hummer H9 - They have gone completely mad. Despite the dejected economy, Hummer continues to manufacture vehicles beyond most consumer's means...and needs. The H9 is the first-ever two-story vehicle. It is the only vehicle that necessitates a real estate agent when considering a purchase or lease. This massive, traffic-causing, machine is not measured in horse power, but in square footage. It has 3 bedrooms and 2 1/2 bathrooms, a mini kitchen with working oven, and if you sign for delivery by March, you receive an in-vehicle butler.

8. Dodge American Dubya (W) - The Dubya is a concept that originated in 2006 while George W. Bush was still running the country. He figured since he was president, he was mentally capable of designing a great vehicle; and somehow convinced many Republican supporters to donate millions of dollars for its creation. With only a picture drawn by W on a piece of construction paper in crayon, the engineers got to work. The Dubya is shaped like a missile with two wheels in the back and one in the front. It only has one window and a laser gun sits atop the phallic Dubya. Because Bush gave specific orders to construct the vehicle as they saw it on the "blueprint", there are no working parts. Although at the bottom of the drawing there were many crossed-out stars that the engineers assumed were attempts at an asterisk symbol, with the only other request written, "must run on BEER". Since the design was so simplistic, the cost of giving birth to the Dubya was minimal. With the leftover funds, Bush bought every G.I. Joe toy ever made and built a man-sized playground in one of the White House conference rooms instead of donating the money to a charity.

9. Honda Mind Bender - At Honda, they don't think out of the box, they think out of their minds. From the outside, this vehicle looks rather standard. Once you enter the Mind Bender, you will then see why it is so different. The interior consists of a circular seating arrangement that surrounds a small table which holds a crystal orb. The idea is that where ever you desire to be, concentrate on that location with your eyes closed as you and the other passengers touch the orb, and you will then arrive at your destination via teleportation. Every attempt has gone unsuccessful, but the gas mileage is great!

10. Chevrolet Geriatric - a major complaint on the road is senior citizens lacking basic driving skills. Chevy has gone out of their way to correct this mess. The Geriatric replaced a flashy and new-age dashboard music console with one large button that operates the AM channels. Every time they push it, the channel moves up to the next available AM station in range. The radio automatically turns off when the car is in Park; and turns on when the engine is started. The windshield features a bottom portion of it that acts as a bifocal to really get a glimpse of what they're about to hit. Seats are raised and the steering wheel is lowered to avoid looking through their knuckles as they navigate through the neighborhood on their way to the pharmacy. Certain models come equipped with a rotary car phone to contact family or proper authorities, in case of emergency.

REPORTERS NOTEBOOK: North American Interntional Auto Show

2010-01-19T09:04:00.000-05:00

By Steve Traynor
Detroit, Michigan

It has been a decade since my last trip to the North American Interntional Auto Show. Perhaps, this visit was long over due. However, I wanted to share my observations "made with fresh eyes" while walking around the NAIAS this week.

The goodie bags seem lighter and less sturdy this time ... with less cool things to give the kids when I get home than I remember.

I was unable to find the displays for Saturn and Pontiac. They exhibited last time. Maybe they are taking the year off? Someone said that they were over back behind the Plymouth display.

I saw so many people walking around here from General Motors. You'd think their offices were just up the street.

I observed more and more TV journalists doing reports in languages other then English. I hope they know that most Americans will turn the channel if they hear these stories done this way.

Ran into Mary Conway from WXYZ-TV. I said "Hi." She said "Hi" back. She's just so friendly.

Why did they get rid of chrome on cars? I'll never know.

Chrysler has broken out the Vanna-like spokesmodels at their displays this year. Where were they when I was single?

I heard Detroit's own Romantics played at the Friday night charity preview. What, were the Rembrandts not available that night?

Speaking of the 1980s, I kept looking down Electric Avenue to find Eddy Grant, but no sightings yet.

Rhonda Walker of WDIV-TV is such a poised, attractive and wonderful journalist. Do you think any other hetro male journalists noticed that her bags always match her shoes?

Ford unveils new energy inefficient vehicle

2010-01-18T10:43:00.001-05:00

Editor's Note: The Motor City Malcontent, having not been recognized as legitimate press, begins our week-long coverage of the North American International Auto Show this week, along with every other work-a-day shlep.

By: Aaron Rajala

Detroit, Michigan

The North American International Auto show was finally open to the public on January 16, which gave everyone a glimpse into the future of the auto industry.

The Ford Motor Company recently announced the release of its newest model: The Wagon, which will be unveiled in front of the world’s entire car-crazy populous.

Boasting the latest in gas guzzling, smog emitting, gadget heavy technology, the Wagon is projected to be Michigan’s most decadent vehicle of recent history.

In an almost total collapse of Detroit’s auto industry, pressure on the city’s big three auto companies is at an all-time high. A miscalculation on the market for gratuitous luxury SUVs has sent the industry in a tailspin; one that Ford is committed to recovering from.

Executive Chairman William Clay Ford Jr. had this to say about the new model and his hopes of bringing the auto industry out of hock.

“The big three grossly overestimated the market for the sport utility vehicles that largely contributed to the dire straits of Detroit’s auto industry. What we failed to realize sooner is that an abundance of unnecessary luxuries wasn’t the problem; it was the lack of unnecessary luxuries. We are hoping that the Wagon will cause a paradigm shift in how the world market views American made vehicles,” he said.

Equipped with such luxuries as an interior brick oven, side-mounted anti-vehicle missiles, fish-finder, terrarium, home movie theater, walk-in humidor and a 1950’s style jukebox, the Wagon has everything you always knew you’d never need. When fully-utilized, the vehicle produces enough greenhouse emissions to slice a hole in the ozone the size of Cleveland in under an hour. Recent studies on the Wagon have shown that standing next to one while the engine is running is equivalent to smoking an entire carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes.

While some environmental experts question the appropriation of resources to make cars less energy efficient, some believe that cheaply made, inefficient cars help define us as a nation.

“These environmentalist hippies don’t know a thing about America. We like our beer cold, our tits big, and our cars bigger,” said White Lake native Buck Wiserman.

While it’s still too early to tell whether or not the new line of energy inefficient car models will spike in sales, one thing is for sure, the world will feel their presence. Ford believes that the Wagon represents what the American people deserve.

“Cooking a deep-dish, blowing a Prius to hell, spotting lunker bass, watching Die Hard, and listening to Bob Seger and smoking a big, fat cuban cigar, all while driving, is as American as it gets. Not buying one of these is like slapping our Founding Fathers square in the face,” said car enthusiast Hal Sommers of Auburn Hills.

Brownstown Township woman demands MCM coverage of her hometown

2010-01-15T09:02:00.001-05:00

By: Steve Traynor

Somewhere north of Flat Rock, MI

A Brownstown Township woman has written a recent letter to the Motor City Malcontent. In it, she complains that she feels both "highly slighted and very hurt" that her hometown has not been the subject of a single satire, parody or fake news story.

In her letter, Betty Eustachian, a twenty year Brownstown Township resident, made her extreme discontent known.

She says, "We have our share of crack pots, eccentrics, weirdos and, of course, malcontents. This slight by the Motor City Malcontent appears to be both obvious and quite systematic." Eustachian proposes that MCM "take the extra efforts to find the funny, silly, absurd and humorous that is also readily available here in Brownstown Township."

When asked for comment, a puzzled Motor City Malcontent Editor-In-Chief Sean T. Johnston replied "Brownstown Township? You just made that up."

Lions to use first round draft pick to sure up weaknesses in sales and marketing

2010-01-14T09:00:00.002-05:00

By: Sean T. Johnston

Detroit, Michigan

Despite finishing the 2009 season with a 2-14 record, a marked improvement over their win-less effort in 2008, the Detroit Lions find themselves in familiar surroundings. That is, sitting on the proverbial sidelines of the NFL playoffs for the ninth-straight season.

Without acknowledging the gaping holes on both sides of the football, the Lions will instead use their high first-round draft pick to correct another much-overlooked organizational deficiency.

"Our home attendance was near the bottom of the pack in the 2009 Season," admitted Lions General Manager Martin Mayhew. "And ownership is committed to ensuring a stable revenue stream despite the quality of the team fielded, or its chances of being a divisional competitor."

That said, the Lions are reportedly cool to the idea of drafting who analysts feel would be critical defensive upgrades: Defensive Tackle Ndamukong Suh of Nebraska or Virginia Corner Back Ras-I Dowling.

"Those are position players," points out Mayhew. "The Ford Family has invested in position players in the past, with very little financial gain. So, let me say this. Gone are the days where Mr. Ford will allow the seats in his new stadium to go unfilled. It's about time we addressed Detroit's biggest weakness- our inability to sell tickets."

Instead, the Lions will consider candidates from a number of top-tier business schools, many of which do not even have football programs.

"It's fairly obvious that, despite our organization's consistently inadequate performance, there still remains a large contingent of fans that will come to see us nonetheless." admits Mayhew. "With this year's low attendance, we realize that some fans were disgusted enough not to buy tickets. We want someone who can reverse this trend, knowing full well that ownership is not in favor of applying the resources needed to enhance the quality of the product itself."

Terse verbal exchange rocks quiet Harbor Springs

2010-01-13T09:00:00.000-05:00

By: BeBot
Harbor Springs, MI

Usually a calm town, Harbor Springs was quite the opposite this past weekend. Local store owner Leonard Kimley stirred things up a bit; which was not received well by his neighbors.

Kimley owns and operates Mappy Dugout – a store that sells used maps. Over the weekend, an out-of-town patron entered his store. Upon first reaction, Marvin Ostreicher was impressed with the array of used maps that were available. He finally made his selection; a used Des Moines, Iowa rural road map from 1982.

Ostreicher approached the check-out counter smiling like an old man when receiving his first installment of Enzyte. The price was marked at $1.44 – a price that Ostreicher disagreed with. Before he began to negotiate, his smile leveled out becoming a disappointed line of despair.

After being asked why he should receive a discount, Ostreicher became a bit agitated as he answered, “Well as you can clearly see, there are more than enough creases to consider this a non-mint condition map, therefore the price should obviously be altered”. Kimley did not take to that criticism kindly.

During the altercation, it was just the two combatants in the store. After a wide variety of finger pointing, creased-map pointing, and just general pointing out of each other’s flaws, Ostreicher exited the store with heated disgust and rage. Witnesses report seeing a man (Ostreicher) exit Mappy Dugout looking very angry and surly; despite no reports of any verbal statements made by him once he left the store.

Dennis Hutchins, a resident of Harbor Springs who knows and respects Kimley, stated that as Ostreicher made his way down the sidewalk, Kimley bursted out of his store and yelled an obscenity. Hutchins was in shock from what he heard tumble out of Kimley’s mouth, “I mean, to call him that word…and the guy didn’t even look Mexican”. Another appalled witness said something similar, “I’ve never heard Leonard speak with such hatred, I’m not for sure, but I don’t think the gentleman who left his store was actually Jewish”, remarked a horrified Megan Neston.

Based on the assumed vulgarity of the word Kimley blurted, it was never officially reported as to what he said. Ostreicher, once slightly calmed down, had this to say, “The map incident was one thing (slightly paused as the memory of that day shook him), but when he called me that word, all I could think to myself is – ‘Do I really look that Asian’?”

GM's new CFO proposes ideas that worked when he was at Microsoft

2010-01-12T09:28:00.000-05:00

By Steve Traynor
Detroit, Michigan

In the wake of the announcement of Chris Liddell, former Microsoft chief financial officer, as the new CFO for General Motors, the Motor City Malcontent has received the leak of a draft memo full of suggestions that Liddell and his associates coming over from Microsoft will propose to make the automaker just as successful as the international software giant.

Highlights in the memo's many suggestions include the following:

Have many minor car problems fix themselves by simply restarting the car and driving away like nothing ever happened. Teach users that this is normal and to be expected.
Work to achieve an 85%+ dominance in the automotive market by effectively scaring car drivers and passengers into not even riding in other cars.
Have vehicles require regular updates and service packs in order to run effectively and avoid accidentally crashing in to each other.
Infect Ford, Chrysler, Toyota and Mercedes Benz with a series of viruses and then claim your cars run more effectively then these others in a strategy that's code-named the Steve J. plan.
Each new model year, have the operational system of the car change so significantly that owners will also need to also pay GM in order to learn how to actually drive the thing, called the Vista plan.
Build "me too" sub compact cars that are loaded with features and bring them to market but be careful that it turns out no one really wants to buy them, like the Microsoft Zune.
Change the manufacturing dynamics and operations so that GM has to only build the engine, powertrain, interior climate and audio systems, and leave the rest of the car to manufacturing companies, just like HP and Dell.
Replace dealer service centers with drop off depots where you have to box up your car and then leave it until someone gets around to fixing it, usually in two to four weeks.
Install many features and options that actually slow down the car and make it drive unreliably, but tells GM a lot of information about the customers and where they go.
Replace mechanics, guys who were scruffy but seemed like they were good with their hands, with GMCE's, General Motors Certified Engineers, geeky guys who have a lot of training and certifications but when it comes to explaining what's wrong with your car and how they actually fixed it, have no people or communications skills.
Address customer's repair concerns by reminding them that their old cars really won't run on the new US roads, so they should purchase a new car in order to drive on them.
Squash any sort of alternative energy, electric power or fuel cell battery program until they can control it their way and accuse those drivers of being like Machintosh users ... wait, GM already did this with the EV1.

The memo proposes what is felt to be ultimate solution to people needing to buy more new cars more frequently: install a system in every car that plays three chimes to indicate your car is truly dead as a doornail and then give you the black dashboard of death with no possible way to ever find out what's wrong with your car.

Residents of Hell incensed over town’s exclusion from tourist board’s list

2010-01-11T10:00:00.006-05:00

By: Sarah Brown

Hell, Michigan

On Patterson Lake Road, the main business street in Hell, garishly colored t-shirts litter the window displays. Each is emblazoned with a message advertising the town’s unusual name, among them, “I’ve been to Hell and back!” and “I watched Hell freeze over: Winter 2009.” The town sponsors a race each year; a 10-K called the Run Through Hell. Hell’s post office uses a postmark ornamented with flames. The office is unusually busy for this small town, and employs 13% of the town’s residents, accommodating mail routed through Hell by kitsch-loving customers.

Long recognized as one of the more unusual town names in the state, if not the nation, the economy of southeast Michigan’s Hell relies in significant part upon the tourist trade lured by its strong brand. That business is now in jeopardy following the Michigan State Tourism Board’s release of a list of the State’s most unusual town names – one that excludes the town of Hell.

“It’s challenging enough to encourage business development here, to say nothing of the difficulty of enticing residents to a move to a town named Hell,” stated Hell Chamber of Commerce president Marianne McFury. “We rely on our unique brand to create jobs, particularly in licensed apparel and our thriving postal service. There is truly no place like Hell, and we have been damaged by the State in the most painful place – our wallets.”

In response to inquiries, Michigan Tourism Board spokeswoman Lucy Hardy was unrepentant. “The Tourism Board’s list of Michigan’s most unusual town names was designed to promote some of the lesser-known and truly unique places in our beautiful state. While Hell is a wonderful town and a great place to raise a family, the name of Hell, Michigan is fairly well-known. In essence, the joke is played out.”

While Hardy insists the slight was not malicious, the citizens of Hell are irate. Goaded by his constituents, Hell mayor Damien Donovan held a press conference this afternoon to announce a lawsuit against the State Tourism Board.

“This injury to our local economy cannot go unanswered,” Donovan stated. “We mean to show the State what happens when you mess with Hell.”

Michigan's Top Ten Most Unusual Town Names

Source: Michigan State Tourism Board

1. Old Squaw Skin Landing, Michigan

2. Dick, Michigan

3. Rosy Mound, Michigan

4. Podunk, Michigan (Three-way tie)

5. Mullett Lake, Michigan

6. Kochville, Michigan

7. Beaver, Michigan (Tie)

8. Crump, Michigan

9. Colon, Michigan

10. Mesick, Michigan

Ann Arbor locovore drug movement baits Columbian revenge killings

2010-01-08T09:00:00.004-05:00

By: Sean T. Johnston

Ann Arbor, Michigan

The Arrellano Cartel of the Valle del Cauca region of Columbia didn't mind when urban farmers were growing organic lettuce from their converted tool sheds or sun porches.

But as the economic hard times in Michigan germinated, so did the pressure for hipster urban farmers to switch to growing more profitable crops.

"We started off slowly," recalls a former University of Michigan student now in the Federal Witness Protection Program. "You know, man, a couple of Cannabis plants mixed in with the organic Lambsquarters I was selling to The Earle for their Mediterranean Salads didn't hurt anyone. We sold it to the kids on campus."

But after word started circulating that Ann Arbor's newest pot sensation was, in fact, being grown right here in Michigan, all manner of metropolitan agronomists wanted in. It wasn't long before some of them began expanding their horizons to include more exotic crops.

"Like, it was never about the money for most of us," admits Moonbright Startwinkle, former live-in girlfriend of a recently gunned-down Ann Arbor Coca grower. "We just wanted to do our part to, like, ensure that the big narco companies in Columbia weren't injecting poisons into what we put in our bodies."

After two profitable seasons, local growers ignored cryptic warnings, written in Spanish, that began surfacing. That was, until a local poppy "farmer" and his associate were shot dead outside of a Buffalo Wild Wings.

"They had just finished up a batch of boneless blazin' wings when two mustachioed Mexican-looking guys popped out of an 80s sports car wearing brightly colored suit coats," recalls a Buffalo Wild Wings employee. "They started firing Uzis wildly into the air to clear the room and then took out those two guys and killed them in the street."

Despite the recent murders, local growers remain steadfast in their commitment to provide college students and affluent urbanites with organic narcotics.

Recently unveiled expansion plans include the addition of an exotic new Japanese green called Mahohi. Mahohi's roots can be soaked and processed to be made into a powerful hallucinogen, or it can be thinly sliced and served with a light balsamic vinaigrette.

Either way, alert local growers are now watching for signs of Yakuza infiltration into their operations.

Jamal Williamson gets the Bernstein advantage

2010-01-07T08:30:00.000-05:00

By: Bonnie Brooke
Southfield, Michigan

Beth, Mark and Richard won’t be the only Bernsteins carrying on the tradition of helping people who watch TV all day long collect millions of dollars.

Soon, they’ll be joined by their newly-recognized brother, Jamal.

Jamal Williamson, 19, of Southfield, literally got the Bernstein advantage by representing himself in a paternity lawsuit in which he claimed to be the son of the infamous personal injury attorney Sam Bernstein.

Jamal Williamson filed suit after a discussion he had with his mother, Akisha, while viewing a Bernstein Law Firm commercial on TV.

“He was fixated on Sam’s three kids,” Akisha Williamson said. “And when he said, ‘Mom, I wonder what it would be like if I had brothers and sisters,’ I had to tell him.”

Even though Akisha Williamson admitted she was never sure about who her son’s father was in her testimony, she said she had her suspicions by the time he turned 3.

“Every time an ambulance would race past the house, he’d run to the window to see where it was going,” Williamson said.

Two of Jamal Williamson's former classmates at Southfield Lathrup High School also testified on his behalf. Both said was the most popular member of the school’s conflict resolution team.

“When I was in the 10th grade, this thug beat the crap out of me and stole my Pumas,” said former classmate Andre Worthington. “I would have settled for getting my shoes back, but Jamal got me 17 times what they were worth. ”

“When I got shot in a fight after school one day, Jamal came to visit me in the hospital,” added another former classmate, De Wayne Bronson. “All I had to do was call him on his cell: 1-800-CALL-JAMAL.”

But before an Oakland County Circuit Court judge rendered her decision, the Bernstein attorneys agreed to an out out-of-court settlement, which includes undergrad and law school tuition and a lifetime guaranteed job with the family law firm.

“Like me, my kids and my father, Jamal really fought for what he felt he was entitled to,” Sam Bernstein said. “He’s everything the Bernstein family -- and the Bernstein Law Firm -- is all about.”

“I'm pretty sure when I said I may have an interest in becoming an attorney for an insurance company, he may have thought twice about the firm's no-fee guarantee," Jamal Williamson said. "I guess you can say that I can talk to Sam."

Detroit Lions may become Werewolves of London

2010-01-06T09:00:00.001-05:00

By: Aaron Rajala

Detroit, Michigan

The Detroit Lions may have a new home, new name, and new lycanthropic attitude come next season.

Owner William Clay Ford and the NFL have began talks of moving the team to London after years of abysmal failure and a hemorrhaging of Detroit football fans.

Taking on the new moniker of The Werewolves of London, the team would represent the only European team in the NFL. Meetings between Ford and Commissioner Roger Goodell began at the beginning of the season, and the odds of the Lions being relocated to “The Smoke” are looking pretty good.

Ford addressed the issue at a press conference early last Tuesday at Trader Vic’s in front of a sea of anxious Detroit diehards- and his hair was perfect.

“We believe that relocating will be advantageous for the franchise. Detroit fans lost faith in the Lions years ago and have been stuck rooting for a deplorable team out of necessity. With the perks of an expansion team, the newly reformed team would undoubtedly flourish,” he said.

If the move were to take place, current coach Jim Schwartz would remain at the helm. Due to safety precautions, Schwartz was not present at the conference. Fear of Schwartz being mauled by angry fans resulted in the NFL board of safety addressed a letter simply stating “Stay away from them; they’ll rip your lungs out, Jim”.

Detroiters are split almost directly down the middle in opinion about the move; many unwilling to see their inept, yet beloved Lions go. Long time fan Lester Tai recalls the glory days of the Lions and believes that a few more years of strategizing and gimmicks is all it takes to turn the team around.

“Listen, what the team needs is an offensive line, not a family fun zone. Instead of drafting a new logo, the Lions should draft a new right guard. Perhaps the next few years of baffling strategy are all it will take to reveal a master plan and create an NFL superpower, I say stick with them,” he said.

As early as the beginning of next season, walking through Detroit in the snow may become walking through Soho in the rain; the dastardly team who lost in the D, to the hairy handed gents who run amok in Kent.

Ahwooo!